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INSECURE BITCH

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me some questions and somehow they are related to insecurity in a relationship.

So to start this post I would like to confess something I’ve always been proudly telling my friends about:

I AM AN INSECURE BITCH.

Especially when it comes to my relationship. I always warn every guy who is wooing me that I’m not going to be so ‘fun’ or ‘lovable’ as a girlfriend. I’m very self conscious that it’s an impossible task for me to get rid of this insecurity. ( or maybe it’s not that impossible, maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe I could if only I try harder. Lol.)

Anyway by being an insecure bitch, I mean I be like:

  • Constantly checking fiance’s phone. (I’ve told him that asking me to be his girlfriend equals to giving me permission to do this. He thinks it’s not a problem, so, yeah.)
  • I dislike it when fiance gives me criticism. (But I’m so working this one out and I think I’m getting better in accepting them. I’m not that mad anymore when he tells me that I’m putting on weight, I just got mad ‘a little’. LOL.)
  • Need him to keep assuring me that he loves me, that I’m the only one for him, I’m the best for him, he feels so lucky for having me in his life, and so on. You got the idea.
  • Easily got jealous. For example when fiance’s boss (who is a female) asked his opinion, “I’m going to buy a car, what do you think of this xxx brand car? Is it good?” that would put me on alert. I would wonder if she is genuinely asking for an opinion, or is she seeking his attention? Though I rarely tell this one to fiance because most of the times I could overcome this feeling. (Yay! :D)
  • Kinda hate it when I’m don’t have anything to do on weekend and my friends are all not available to go out with me, but he’s going to have fun with his friends without me. I feel left out. It’s such an annoying feeling so I got angry. I would let him go, but I’ll make sure he’ll have a guilt-trip by venting my anger (of being left out) at him.
    (Yep, I know what you guys would probably think: What a crazy insecure bitch. And I could only scream back: I KNOW RIGHT?? But I couldn’t help it *le sigh* This one rarely happens though! Luckily! Lol.)
  • Want him to put our couple photo as his profile picture on every social networking platform. All instant messengers, facebook, path, everything. You name it. He gotta show the world that he’s taken. That he has a fabulous but so insecure fiancee. (LOLOLOLOL sorry if that makes you wanna puke over this post.) 😀
  • Have that kind of weird but sometimes overwhelming need to see him ‘tells the world’ about me. Okay I might not be able to explain this well, but I think it’s probably like… hmm.. For example I would want him to uploads his pictures with me (which he super duper rarely does) on social media. Or updating a status saying how much he loves me. Or how happy he is with me. Or anything that flatters me. (My realization that I’m being so pathetic about this even makes me sad! Now I’m not only insecure, but also desperate.) 😦
  • Dislike his ex(es). I wished he didn’t have to be friends with all of them. But in fact, I let him be friends with some of them. There are 2 particular ex(es) that I want him to stay away from though. With these two, if it’s possible, I want him to not even say ‘hi’ when they accidentally meet or bump into each other. And from these two, there’s one that I hate her to the core. So I want him to never ever had any kind of contact with her. And that stupid insecure bitch in me sometimes just have to wonder “Why did he wanted her back then? Eeww.” (AND I KNOW, I KNOW I’M BEING SO STUPID. *tears*)

And this two are the insecurity problems I have as a person (so it’s not only happened in the relationship)

  • I often worry about what people think about me.
  • Randomly but quite often, I would suddenly remember humiliating or embarrassing moments that happened to me in the past. And I would get really depressed. (I think this one causes me to feel insecure so I have to write this one in.)

Since I do realize I’m an insecure bitch, I have another ‘me’ inside me that I would call rational angel. The rational angel in me would tell me when I’m being so foolish over my insecurity. When I’m being stupid and starting to be too pathetic. So I would get back to my senses and refrain myself from doing something I would regret. Rational angel would remind me that fiance loves me a lot, and I would remember those little things he did that actually shows me how much he loves me so he didn’t need to keep telling me that. Rational angel would also remind me that I have a loyal and trustworthy fiance so I don’t have to worry. (This one works the best so far, that’s why most of the times I could overcome my jealousy.)

But of course… Rational angel doesn’t always successfully holding my insecurities back. Sometimes the insecure bitch is just so much stronger. 😀

Since fiance and I both realize the problems I have, I also told fiance how often I need to be kissed and hugged. It helps to ease my insecurities 🙂

Lucky for me, fiance has always been so understanding. He scolds me when he should, he hugs me when I need one.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even thinking about writing this post if yesterday’s conversation didn’t happen. This should be embarrassing, telling people what an insecure bitch I am. But my boss once told me that to overcome a bad side of ourselves, we have to realize it and if we could, write it down.

So I did.

There are so many levels of insecurities that people have. Some had it better, some had it worse. I’m not that worse that I would feel happy to see others’ misfortune. I’m not that worse that I would belittle others’ success.

But I think I’m worse enough to make fiance feel bad/sad every single time my insecurity got into me. I think I’m worse enough to make him feel guilty over something that he actually shouldn’t feel guilty about.

So here I am, writing this down to remind myself. That I should really learn to overcome this insecurities. That I should really learn to be better. For myself. For people that I love. For my relationship.

insecure