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Kamu, sini kamu

Hai kamu.
Sini, kamu.
Mau aku genggam jemarimu untuk mengusir rindu.

Kamu, sini kamu.
Mau aku peluk erat dirimu di bawah langit kelabu.

Ayo kemari. Jangan malu.
Mau aku kecup bibirmu hingga tak peduli waktu.

Ke sini, ke sisiku, kamu.
Mau aku dekap hingga hilang semua rasa ragu.

Sini, mari ke sini didekatku.
Mau aku cintai kamu sepenuh hati hingga kita punya anak cucu.

Hingga semua helai rambut kita telah menjadi abu-abu.

Mari saling berpeluk hingga kita kembali menjadi debu.

Hanya aku.
Dan kamu.
Menjadi satu.

 

Jakarta, 27 Juni 2014

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NEW STATUS: A FIANCÉE

It was just like any other weekend. It was just like any other Saturday. It was just like any other lunch appointment we usually have with my mom whenever she’s in town.

 

….or so I thought.

It was initially an ordinary Saturday for me. Then it suddenly became a memorable Saturday, 14 June 2014.

The day I become a fiancée of an asshole.

OH LOOK! WHY DOES THAT BEAR HOLDING A RING?

Actually, I’ve told him several times that I didn’t need an engagement ring. All I wanted was a surprising proposal from him, asking me to be his wife. No ring needed because, as I said in the previous sentence, all I wanted was a surprising proposal.

Was that too much to ask? Well, it probably was. LOL. 😀

I realize that I’m dating someone who’s not romantic, which makes me determined to make him at least for only once in our lifetime, please, please be romantic to me.

 

I only wanted to, for example, getting into a room with candles on bed forming the word “will you marry me”. That’s it and I will answer yes immediately. (only if the guy is that asshole I love, though. Not that I will answer yes to everyone who does that. LOL.)

I know that justifies of how unrealistic I am, of how I’m being a fool, for hoping such a cheesy act from boyfriend.

But even though there was no surprising proposal as I wanted, he, as he always does, showed me that he could did that romantically in his own way.

No candlelight dinner. No dim light in the room. No roses or any other flowers. No friends hiding in the corner. No heart-shaped or pink-coloured things. Nothing.

 

Just him.

Hugging me tightly from behind. Kissing the top of my head. Looking into my eyes from the mirror in front of me. Nervously rocking me in his arm. And asked me in his unusually deep voice, “Will you marry me?”

 

 

And of course I didn’t say yes right away. LOL. 😀

But after some jokes and our laughter seemed like bursting out beautifully and gleefuly to the air, of course I couldn’t be more sure to be his partner of life, right? 🙂

PicsArt_1402756423052[1]

…and I’m so damnright proud to be his fiancée 🙂

After panicking over the realization that the ring was too big for my ring finger, I calmed him down by telling him that wearing it in my middle finger will do. That way I could also show my attitude by showing him my middle finger PLUS the engagement ring.

LOL just kidding :p

To my surprise, he also knelt down and fixing the ring on my finger. I never thought he would did that, honestly. 😀

 

And after that, it was all overjoyed giggles, looking into each other’s eyes and feeling silly plus embarassed of this unusual act, and a big loving hug while telling each other that simple three words we usually took as granted.

 

…and it really felt like love was the only thing in the air at that moment. 🙂

NOT PERFECT

 

Not a perfect guy.

 

But somehow….

His smile warms my heart perfectly.

His laughter brings me joy perfectly.

His silly remarks make a smile curled up on my face perfectly.

His jokes drive me laughing my ass off perfectly.

His annoying expressions irritate me perfectly.

His scolding brings me up to my senses perfectly.

His hand fits my hand perfectly.

His presence radiates happiness to my world perfectly.

 

Not a perfect guy indeed.

 

But his heart…

 

…it completes mine just perfectly.

🙂

Found boyfriend’s old cards today!

Found boyfriend’s 1996/1997 christmas and season greeting cards from his friends.

So when I was thinking how old he was back then, it creeps me out by realizing that on 1996 he was in his first year of senior high school, while I was in my first year of…

 

 

…elementary school.

 

That’s right, ‘Anak kelas 1 SMA’ and ‘Anak kelas 1 SD’ people!!

So I assume when he was flirting with his girl friends, I was still drinking a bottled milk and innocently played dolls with my girl friends!

Lol 😀

 

Funny how that teenager and little girl can fall in love with each other 15 years later, eh?

Life is so full of surprises 🙂

Lesson learned: Never Dislike Someone Too Much

Since I was in my 13 or 14, when I said I dislike something or someone, older people would tell me not to dislike something or someone too much.

“Just don’t.”

They said I might ended up having my life stuck with the thing I dislike.

I think it’s ridiculous because hey I dislike it so there’s no chance I could get too near to it, right?

When I entered senior high school, I realized that even though I’m a chinese, I don’t like chinese guys. I prefer ‘pribumi’ or a native Indonesian. It’s difficult for me to explain why, but probably because I like guys with darker skin color and bigger eyes (than mine)?

(Disclaimer:  If this post seems like it’s getting racist, trust me, it doesn’t meant to be that way)

 

Anyway, that kinda explains how I had several pribumi ex-boyfriends from different ethnic group.

I never had a chinese boyfriend even though some chinese guys wooed me. Because no matter how I thought they’re cute or funny or I actually kinda liked them, I couldn’t bring myself to like them enough to be their girlfriend.

But there is always a first time of everything, right? (Okay, maybe not EVERYthing though. Not for eating cockroach satay at Thailand, for example 😀 )

 

So I met someone whom I initially regarded as another ordinary chinese guy who had a crush on me.

He almost lost me at a lot of things. The way he disappeared to the toilet without informing me when we went out on a date, his neklace, his shoes (later he told me, they were his FAVORITE shoes hahaha :D), his look (LOL!), the way he talked and probably almost everything because I just didn’t like chinese guy.

Especially the one that looks like a Hongkong’s triad/gangster member:

"I-Wanna-Kill-You" look

“I-Might-Kill-You” look

 

I just couldn’t hold myself from telling my cousins how screwed up the date went. My cousin laughed at me when I firmly said, “This guy totally lost me at almost everything. There won’t be another date between me and him.”

Yea, right. 😀

 

But after 6 months of chatting via Yahoo! Messenger and several dates (Yes, there was a second date. And no, I don’t remember why 😀 ),

I realized that he is not that ordinary.

 

And after almost a year of persistently wooing me, he finally won my heart. No matter how I used to think that the idea of being in love with this guy is ridiculous, somehow he managed to convince me that it’s not.

 

It actually turns out to be one of the best thing that ever happened to me 🙂

 

Honestly, now I still think that pribumi guys are hotter than chinese guys. But from all of them, the hottest guy is still this guy sitting beside me. (uh well, this is a very subjective statement, I admit. Lol. 😀 )

 
625578_10201693701656033_603565146_n

 

And of course, he made me believe what people told me;

“Never dislike someone or something too much. You might ended up having your life stuck with the thing you dislike.”

 

Well… I don’t regret how I initially dislike you, though. Because look at me now,

 

I’m happily stuck on you.

 

🙂

 

P.S. : Celebrating my 3 years of being his girlfriend. What a record! I never date someone this long before! How come I’m not even getting bored with him yet?? Lol 😀

Pengen Cepet-Cepet Cari Kerja? Ntar Lontang-Lantung Loh!

“Duh pengen cepet-cepet selesai kuliah, trus kerja!”

Pas masih kuliah, gue dan temen-temen selalu pengen cepet-cepet lulus. Rasanya pengen segera masuk ke dunia kerja, males dikasih-kasih tugas kuliah lagi, males mesti ikutin kelas-kelas kuliah padahal pengen bobo siang, males jadi objek tatapan seisi kelas waktu grogi bawain presentasi. Rasanya pengen bebas.

Lalu cece (kakak perempuan, in case you are not familiar with this word) gue senyum menyeringai gitu, ngeliat gue dengan tatapan aduh-adek-gue-polos-dan-bodoh-sekali sambil ngomong, “Aku kasih tau yaaa… Nikmatin aja deh masa kuliah selagi bisa. Puas-puasin. Memasuki dunia kerja itu ga seindah bayangan kamu.”

Sekarang, saat adek dan sepupu-sepupu gue pada ngeluh soal kuliah, gue juga nasehatin hal yang sama. Tentu saja dengan tatapan yang sama dan senyum menyeringai yang sama, menertawakan kepolosan mereka.

Setelah lulus, cari kerja itu masa-masa menegangkan, jek! (bukan, bukan ojek)

Talking about that moment, beberapa minggu belakangan di timeline twitter gue sering ada yang mention buku Lontang-Lantung karangan Roy Saputra. Kebanyakan pada bilang buku itu bikin mereka inget sama masa-masa nista saat cari kerjaan.

And you know what? That book really brings me the memories.

Lontang-Lantung

Ari Budiman, berumur 20 something, baru lulus kuliah dan masukin lamaran kerja berbarengan sama temen-temennya.

 

That sounds  like me, few years ago.  Mungkin perjuangan gue cari kerja ngga sampe kayak perjuangan Ari yang seru banget (baca: perasaan kok ya susah beneerrr dapet kerjaan). Mungkin nama gue ga sepasaran itu sampe bisa sama persis dengan orang yang mewawancarai gue.

Tapi… perasaan Ari yang cemas dan khawatir ga dapet-dapet kerjaan, rasa gugup dia setiap kali berhadapan dengan calon employer baru, pikiran yang malah nge-blank saat interview, sampe rasa kesal dan ga mau kalah karena teman seperjuangan mencari kerja tiba-tiba malah terasa sangat nyata sebagai kompetitor, bisa bikin gue ngerasa “OH I’VE BEEN THERE, I’VE BEEN THERE! I KNOW THAT FEELING!”

And you may feel the same way too, bahwa apa yang dialami Ari Budiman ini ‘gue banget’ atau ‘gue pernah ngalemin itu jugak!!’, sampe-sampe rasanya pengen nepuk pundak si Ari dan bilang “I feel you, bro.” Literally.

Perasaan paling ga enak mungkin adalah saat harus merasa ‘saingan’ dengan temen sendiri.

Dih, yang tau duluan kalau perusahaan ini ada lowongan kan, gue. Kok malah lo sih yang keterima?

Lo dapet gaji berapa? *lalu dalam hati bertekad mesti dapet lebih tinggi dari dia*

Lo diterima di perusahaan bonafid itu? Waahh, selamat ya. *Padahal CV lo kan nyontek dari gue, kenapa lo yang kerja duluan?*

 

Iya, iya, childish memang kelihatannya. Tapi jujur saja *sambil malu-malu*, semua itu sempet gue rasain.

Dan semua hal ini, tiba-tiba bikin kangen.

Bukan jenis kangen sama pacar yang bikin gue pengen ngalemin hal yang sama lagi sih. Tapi lebih ke jenis rasa kangen yang membuat gue nostalgia.

 

Baca Lontang-Lantung, secara automatically dan naturally membawa gue kembali mengingat masa saat baru lulus dan mesti cari kerja. Ditambah dengan footnotes gak terlalu penting yang Roy bikin, Lontang-Lantung bikin gue senyum-senyum manis dan cekikikan imut.

Kadang ketawa ngakak, penuh dengan rasa kangen dan syukur karena gue sudah melewati masa itu.

 

Buat yang masih belum kerja, baca Lontang-Lantung mungkin akan bikin parno, “Waduh, jadi nanti pas cari kerja bakal sesusah ini? Bakal disuruh nungging pas interview? Bakal disuruh jualan oli ala adek-adek di Giordano?”

Ngga kok.

 

……Mudah-mudahan ngga. HAHAHA.

 

Well.. Gue sih percaya, seperti salah satu postingan gue,

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. – Paulo Coelho

 

Jadi  kalo lagi dalam proses cari kerja, just trust yourself, bring the best of you, and…

Believe that thing happens for a reason.

Maybe you won’t understand it now, while being frustrated looking for a job. But you will.

And maybe all you need to do now is read Lontang-Lantung first. Be thankful that someone out there named Ari Budiman might had it worse that what you’re having right now. (Apa-apaan ini , bersyukur di atas penderitaan orang lain?? Lol)

 

Kalau pembaca  yang budiman udah kerja, percaya deh, Lontang-Lantung bakal bikin lo ketawa-ketawa atau paling tidak, senyum-senyum sendiri sambil nahan tawa (teteup yak, yakin seyakin-yakinnya pasti bakal bikin orang yang baca ketawa :D), inget masa-masa cari kerja.

 

Perasaan gue terhadap buku ini, kalau boleh ngutip dari buku Lontang-Lantung sendiri, adalah,

Kamu lucu. Aku suka 🙂

 

Finalnya buku ini bikin gue menutup buku dengan perasaan puas dan senang. Semacam mengingatkan bahwa pada akhirnya, mau itu cari kerjaan ataupun cari pacar, JADI DIRI LO SENDIRI AJA DEH, SOB!

 

..oke itu sok gaul banget ye. Kalau kutipan keren dari Roy di buku ini adalah,

Live your life. Live your own life.

 

Last, gue ga pinter ngasih tips cari kerja, tapi berdasarkan percakapan dengan HRD dan salah satu GM kantor, punya nama pasaran kadang bisa jadi satu-satunya alasan lo TIDAK diterima kerja. Kenapa? Karena sudah banyak karyawan yang bernama sama dengan lo dalam satu kantor. Dan perusahaan ga mau dibikin pusing dengan banyaknya orang bernama sama.

“Tolong panggil Ari, ada yang perlu saya diskusikan.”

“Ari yang mana, Pak?”

” Ari Budiman.”

“Ari Budiman di bagian Audit, Ari Budiman di bagian Finance, atau Ari Budiman di bagian Marketing, Pak?”

“….Tolong inform HRD saya gak mau ada another Ari Budiman di perusahaan ini.”

 

Jadi kalau lo punya nama pasaran seperti Ari Budiman, mendingan pas interview lo tegesin dulu panggilan yang ‘tidak biasa’ dan ‘mudah diingat’, seperti:

“Nama lengkap saya Ari Budiman. Tapi Bapak/Ibu boleh panggil saya Ganteng. Ah, dipanggil Tampan juga saya nengok.”

source

P.S.: You might want to check this out, kisah di balik editing Lontang-Lantung oleh editornya.

IF ONLY

September 2.

I was walking on the pavement near my house that night, when suddenly I heard someone called my name. I turned my head and there he was, walking calmly towards me.

I froze. No, stay where you are. Don’t come any closer. I found myself keep repeating them but couldn’t say it out loud.

“It’s been a while.” He smiled slightly. “You alright?” He came closer and tried to touch my hand. Spontaneously, I stepped back and put a big silly grin.

He was the man that I love wholeheartedly. The one that gave me butterflies in my stomach, bunches of happiness, and silly smile every time I heard his voice. The lips that I longed to touch and kiss. The arms that held me so tightly while I drowned in overflowing joy.

He was also the one that betrayed my feelings. The one that crushed my world and shattered my dreams. The one who asked am I alright after all these heartbreaking things, as if nothing had happened. As if everything is alright.

I rubbed my arms that felt cold. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him so I looked down to the tip of my shoes, turned around and ran home.

September 8.

Suddenly I remembered that the last time I saw him was a week ago. What is this, are you missing him, you silly? I shook my head and giggled. No, remember how he hurt you? Remember that time when you found out his affairs? You thought he’s someone who loves you as who you are, someone who doesn’t mind your quirkiness yet he always take you as a fool and plays with your heart, remember that?

September 29.

Now he is sitting on the bed in my room. He looks sad. But why should I care? I am the one whose heart he had played around like a worthless toy.

He realizes my presence. He stood up.

“Hi.” He smiles. Again, the smile that once made me fall in love so hopelessly. I’m trying to stay where I am, trying to hear what he’s going to say.

Silence filled the air for a few moments.

“I thought you are going to run away, again.”

“It’s been a long time, for me. I’m getting tired of running away.” I stay where I am. Waiting for him to say anything he wants to say.

He put on a very happy and relieved smile. Like, finally, finally I want to give him a chance.

“Listen, I just want to tell you..”

“You’re sorry?” I ask bitterly.

He fall silent for a few seconds.

“…Yes. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t leave it that way before I tell you this. I took you for granted. I….” He smiles.

Again. That same smile again. How could I hate that smile? Although he looks sad while he smiles…

“I never really regret everything, before. But now I regret how I didn’t cherish you well. Ah… saying all of these craps are already too late, now, though.”

He chuckles. And I can see clearly tears run down through his cheeks when he does.

That arrogant guy who didn’t even shed a tear when his father passed away. I could just think that those tears are all lie, he was just acting miserable. But I know well enough how pride has always been in his way, so much that he couldn’t really show his affection.

He’s just… so pathetic now.

I act stern.

“So? Are you begging for my forgiveness now?”

He smiles. Just like he knew that it would melt my heart.

“No,” he firmly says. “I just want to, at least, tell you that I am, very sorry. For what I’ve did to you. So that you know. So that… you can move on.”

I think I wouldn’t be able to hold my tears, but I still do. I am okay. I look okay, at least.

But how can I deny that I miss him so much? That I would do anything just to hug him again? Anything, just to kiss him one more time? Even after the betrayal..

Suddenly he broke down into tears even more. He drops himself on the bed, sank his fingers into his black hair, and he sits there, crying just like a little boy.

His body is shaking and I can see how sorrowful he feels right now.

My tears fall down, for him, for my silly love, for our memories, for what we’d been through all these years.

While sobbing uncontrollably, he tells me how much he miss me and what would he do just to make everything right again.

How he would do anything, just to hug me, kiss me and tell me how much he loves me.

My tears are falling down like rain.

I forgive him.

Because I know I love him.

So much, that when he’s so broken, it breaks  my heart too.

Too much, that loving him is the only way I know how to love.

I smile.

I walk toward him, and when he look up at me with his messy face, I smile again.

I try to caress his face. Try to wipe off his tears.

Slowly, I whisper next to his ear,

I will never regret loving you.

His tears fall down even more now.

And I try to kiss him, a goodbye kiss.

With love. With an ease.

Now I can really move on.

 

——

She left after a kiss. Not really a kiss though, because she couldn’t even touch me.

But I can felt the cold air on my cheeks and lips, caressing it so intimately.

And my tears keep falling down.

If only I told her enough how much I love her, maybe I wouldn’t lost her.

If only I didn’t hurt her, maybe I wouldn’t lost her.

If only I chased her that other night, maybe she wouldn’t get into the car accident that took her life.

And I wouldn’t lost her forever.

If only somebody could wake her up again when September ends.

If only I can turn back time.

If only.

I threw my pride away and sobbed again.

If only.

 

 

P.S. : This story is fictional and original made by Godeliva Olivia. It has nothing to do with the animation video, but I do love this song a lot.  And the animation video, of course. xx