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INSECURE BITCH

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me some questions and somehow they are related to insecurity in a relationship.

So to start this post I would like to confess something I’ve always been proudly telling my friends about:

I AM AN INSECURE BITCH.

Especially when it comes to my relationship. I always warn every guy who is wooing me that I’m not going to be so ‘fun’ or ‘lovable’ as a girlfriend. I’m very self conscious that it’s an impossible task for me to get rid of this insecurity. ( or maybe it’s not that impossible, maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe I could if only I try harder. Lol.)

Anyway by being an insecure bitch, I mean I be like:

  • Constantly checking fiance’s phone. (I’ve told him that asking me to be his girlfriend equals to giving me permission to do this. He thinks it’s not a problem, so, yeah.)
  • I dislike it when fiance gives me criticism. (But I’m so working this one out and I think I’m getting better in accepting them. I’m not that mad anymore when he tells me that I’m putting on weight, I just got mad ‘a little’. LOL.)
  • Need him to keep assuring me that he loves me, that I’m the only one for him, I’m the best for him, he feels so lucky for having me in his life, and so on. You got the idea.
  • Easily got jealous. For example when fiance’s boss (who is a female) asked his opinion, “I’m going to buy a car, what do you think of this xxx brand car? Is it good?” that would put me on alert. I would wonder if she is genuinely asking for an opinion, or is she seeking his attention? Though I rarely tell this one to fiance because most of the times I could overcome this feeling. (Yay! :D)
  • Kinda hate it when I’m don’t have anything to do on weekend and my friends are all not available to go out with me, but he’s going to have fun with his friends without me. I feel left out. It’s such an annoying feeling so I got angry. I would let him go, but I’ll make sure he’ll have a guilt-trip by venting my anger (of being left out) at him.
    (Yep, I know what you guys would probably think: What a crazy insecure bitch. And I could only scream back: I KNOW RIGHT?? But I couldn’t help it *le sigh* This one rarely happens though! Luckily! Lol.)
  • Want him to put our couple photo as his profile picture on every social networking platform. All instant messengers, facebook, path, everything. You name it. He gotta show the world that he’s taken. That he has a fabulous but so insecure fiancee. (LOLOLOLOL sorry if that makes you wanna puke over this post.) 😀
  • Have that kind of weird but sometimes overwhelming need to see him ‘tells the world’ about me. Okay I might not be able to explain this well, but I think it’s probably like… hmm.. For example I would want him to uploads his pictures with me (which he super duper rarely does) on social media. Or updating a status saying how much he loves me. Or how happy he is with me. Or anything that flatters me. (My realization that I’m being so pathetic about this even makes me sad! Now I’m not only insecure, but also desperate.) 😦
  • Dislike his ex(es). I wished he didn’t have to be friends with all of them. But in fact, I let him be friends with some of them. There are 2 particular ex(es) that I want him to stay away from though. With these two, if it’s possible, I want him to not even say ‘hi’ when they accidentally meet or bump into each other. And from these two, there’s one that I hate her to the core. So I want him to never ever had any kind of contact with her. And that stupid insecure bitch in me sometimes just have to wonder “Why did he wanted her back then? Eeww.” (AND I KNOW, I KNOW I’M BEING SO STUPID. *tears*)

And this two are the insecurity problems I have as a person (so it’s not only happened in the relationship)

  • I often worry about what people think about me.
  • Randomly but quite often, I would suddenly remember humiliating or embarrassing moments that happened to me in the past. And I would get really depressed. (I think this one causes me to feel insecure so I have to write this one in.)

Since I do realize I’m an insecure bitch, I have another ‘me’ inside me that I would call rational angel. The rational angel in me would tell me when I’m being so foolish over my insecurity. When I’m being stupid and starting to be too pathetic. So I would get back to my senses and refrain myself from doing something I would regret. Rational angel would remind me that fiance loves me a lot, and I would remember those little things he did that actually shows me how much he loves me so he didn’t need to keep telling me that. Rational angel would also remind me that I have a loyal and trustworthy fiance so I don’t have to worry. (This one works the best so far, that’s why most of the times I could overcome my jealousy.)

But of course… Rational angel doesn’t always successfully holding my insecurities back. Sometimes the insecure bitch is just so much stronger. 😀

Since fiance and I both realize the problems I have, I also told fiance how often I need to be kissed and hugged. It helps to ease my insecurities 🙂

Lucky for me, fiance has always been so understanding. He scolds me when he should, he hugs me when I need one.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even thinking about writing this post if yesterday’s conversation didn’t happen. This should be embarrassing, telling people what an insecure bitch I am. But my boss once told me that to overcome a bad side of ourselves, we have to realize it and if we could, write it down.

So I did.

There are so many levels of insecurities that people have. Some had it better, some had it worse. I’m not that worse that I would feel happy to see others’ misfortune. I’m not that worse that I would belittle others’ success.

But I think I’m worse enough to make fiance feel bad/sad every single time my insecurity got into me. I think I’m worse enough to make him feel guilty over something that he actually shouldn’t feel guilty about.

So here I am, writing this down to remind myself. That I should really learn to overcome this insecurities. That I should really learn to be better. For myself. For people that I love. For my relationship.

insecure

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SOME STUPID REALIZATIONS ABOUT BEING PRETTY

I was actually tweeting until I realize, hey this takes up more than 140 characters. So instead of making a series of tweets, I just posted this silly realizations instead.

(This post is super unimportant. You’ve been warned. :D)

 

1. BLOWN OUT HAIR

A few days ago, I just came to a full realization that most of the girls (or women, if you prefer it that way) I met everyday didn’t get their beautiful hair naturally. I mean, my hair is always flat, sometimes it makes me look like a girl who got out from her bed and went to work straight away. It’s not amusing at all and I’m glad that boyfriend met me when I still got my short bob hair. lol 😀

I thought, the girl who got hair like THIS:

OR THIS:

HAD THOSE HAIR EFFORTLESSLY.

I seriously thought that way. It was until a few days ago, I realized, “So they didn’t just brush their hair and VOILA! their hair became that way? Really?? It needed efforts?? Some magic things called hair dryer and hair iron?? Really??”

…I know. I’m an idiot. I know. I can’t tell you how many are-you-serious and are-you-really-that-stupid and did-you-come-from-another-planet looks I got from my friends. 😀

Well, how was I supposed to know? I always thought that it’s my hair nature’s fault I can’t have such fabulous hair unless I go to a beauty parlor and had someone else to do that for me.

Now that I know we can do that by our own, I’m kinda determined to get a hair dryer and hair iron. And of course, I will try to get them without spending any cent out of my own pocket, because, I just had my birthday and that’s what friends are for, right? Giving me presents? :p

Right, guys? …Guys? Hello?

 

2. EYEBROW

Oh damn this one. I’m always amazed seeing beautiful, well-trimmed and full eyebrows of another girls.  I have no idea, until a few months ago, that those nice-looking, clean and well-trimmed eyebrows needed to be trimmed ALMOST EVERYDAY.  Unless you pluck them out,  they will grow a few days later when you just shave them. I mean, I know they have to be trimmed. But I thought they only need it every once in a few months. So right after some friends taught me how to trim my messy eyebrows, I was kinda surprised seeing how fast they grow back. I also feel that it’s important to mention, I have to be forced to start trimming my eyebrows at the first place.  And now I have to do that at least once a week.

You also need to DRAW those beautiful eyebrows with eyebrow pencil. WAIT, WHAT, I THOUGHT ANOTHER GIRLS’ EYEBROWS WERE SO THICK AND FULL NATURALLY??

Reality slaps me in the face and told me that NO, everything needs effort Olivia!! Lol 😀

Well, I’m glad I don’t have to use any eyebrow pencil yet, though. Because that has to be an everyday routine.

OMG it needs so much work to be (at least a little bit) pretty! 😀

 

3. FLAWLESS FACE

I got a lot of pimples on my face recently 😦 It makes me sad but most of the times, I couldn’t be bothered by such thing. Hahaha 😀

When those sad moments came, I would look at another girl and getting envy of their flawless face. Last month, I met boyfriend’s cousin and I was really envious because her face was so flawless she looked like a korean girl in korean drama. Until, I met her the next morning when we had breakfast together. SHE HAD PIMPLES TOO!

I looked at her, confused of how did she get those pimples overnight. Then she told me that she used make-up to cover her pimples. She used a BB cream, or something called like that.

So another girls? They also needed use such cream to have such a flawless face?

Ah… so that’s the secret.

WELL THEN….

…No. This time I don’t have any thought to buy myself same thing. Last month I tried to use a little bit loose powder on my face before I went to work and that habit lasted for A WEEK.

After a week, I just kinda stopped and felt it was such a hassle having to apply such thing every morning.

 

….

 

Maybe I shouldn’t be a girl so I don’t have to deal with such things. But I kinda like pink colour! So I must be a girl right??

*oh stereotype* hahaha 😀

Well that was all for now. Some stupid realizations that made my friends rolled their eyes so many times I almost afraid they would become cross-eyed. :p

 

One thing for sure, to be like those pretty girls around me, it needs efforts.

Trimming, drawing, applying, covering.

You can’t just wash your face with a face soap, apply moisturizer, and went to work right away, hoping it would make you look good and beautiful magically everyday.

Well.. but that was what I thought before, though. And that’s what I always do. Lol 😀

Just a thought that crossed a (nearly) 24 years old me recently…

Coming back home alone is good. But coming back to a home where you live together with your beloved spouse is better.

 

..or so I thought recently.

 

I love my room where I live alone in my boarding house. I don’t have any problem with that.

But I don’t know exactly since when, I’d started to depict an image;

I came back home from work with boyfriend to a house where we lived together. We were both tired after a long day at work and the unfriendly traffic on our way back home. I still had to cook dinner for us and tidying the house. But I did all of them happily.

 

I didn’t really like that kind of visualization before. I always think that living with a spouse (or in another word, got married to someone) is such a troublesome thing. Having to take care for another person in my life (other than myself) is just…

I don’t know, maybe I just wasn’t prepared for that. (because I’m too lazy and still want to live my life arbitrarily. YES I ADMIT THAT. lol)

 

Whoa, so am I ready  to get into a serious commitment (a.k.a Marriage) since I’m able to depict such a visualization in my mind now?

 

hmmmmmmmm

 

 

Honestly, I don’t know. (and it’s not like boyfriend had already proposed to me so I still have a lot of time to get myself ready or to think about it)

All I know is just that now the image I had in my head, which I have to spent my days with boyfriend (or husband?) under the same roof, is – surprisingly – not terrifying anymore. I suddenly feel that it’s not a troublesome thing anymore.

 

Rather, I think that image…

 

 

 

 

…is somewhat….

 

 

 

 

 

…..heartwarming.

 

 

and I like that. 🙂

Lucky

A friend once saw me writing a love letter to boyfriend and he said,

“Man, he is so lucky having you as his girlfriend.”

 

I looked up to him, chuckled and told him,

“Nah, we’re lucky that we have each other.”

 

He’s the reason I’m writing the love letter, anyway.

🙂

 

lucky

 

(pic via here)

 

Romantic Prince Charming

Just read a blog post of a friend, about a series of coincidences which lead him to meet his current girlfriend. It was a simple post, yet it’s such a sweet one. Especially, considering how hard he was trying to find a girlfriend before he finally met this special girl :p

His boo also wrote a post about how they met and how God arranged those coincidental things turn into something as special as what they’re having right now.

Reading their writings and find them as such a romantic thing made me couldn’t help but to feel envious.

 

I guess that’s because I’m quite a hopeless romantic that hoping someone would also write such sweet posts about our love journey.

Someone who would sing for me although he couldn’t sing as good as Chris Martin.

Someone who would write simple but lovely poems about me.

Someone who would send me flowers even though there’s no any special occasion.

Someone who would tell me how much he loves me and how he couldn’t stop thinking about me.

Someone who would show his friends how precious I am to him.

 

As some (or few) of you’d probably know, I write some posts about boyfriend and our story in this blog. I’m that kind of girl who would suddenly, out of nowhere, tell him how much I love him. I’m more romantic than him and I hope he could be at least as romantic as I am. Probably I’m too indulged in the romance novels I used to read. Those which depicting a good looking guy, who seems arrogant but is actually quite romantic and would do anything for the girl he loves. (Wait, this kinda sounds like Dao Ming Tse from Meteor Garden…)

Sometimes I tell myself that I should take a good look at myself first, before hoping for such a too-good-to-be-true thing happened to me. The other times I tell myself it’s okay for a girl to daydreaming about her prince charming.

 

But then I’m being reminded of  how a prince charming is not always gonna appear wearing a crown on his head. Not always gonna ride a horse, or in a horse-drawn carriage. Maybe he appears while he’s walking on foot and accidentally bumps into you and makes you drop the books you are carrying and when the two of you are trying to pick those books up, he accidentally touch your ha- OH OKAY THIS SOUNDS LIKE A CHEESY NOVEL I WILL STOP IT RIGHT AWAY.

Maybe he appears while you two are waiting in the taxi line together. Or maybe he’s the taxi driver. You’ll never know.

And he might not be able to sing a love song for me, but gonna buy me chocolates and rub my abdomen when I’m having my period.

He might not be able to write me sweet poems but is a good and crazy partner to have a pillow fight.

He might not be able to write a romantic post about us, but gonna tell me a silly and lame joke that only the two of us would understand and I still laugh my ass off anyway.

He might not gonna send me flowers for any occasion ever, but will hug me tight after a heated argument where both of us are being an asshole, and gently pinch me while telling me to stop making a fuss over small thing.

He might not be able to tell me sweet words I want to hear, but if I care enough to look at the small things in my life, I will realize how much he loves me. And how much he wants to show me that I’m his everything,

 

…in his own way.

 

 

 

And that’s good enough for a prince charming without a castle and horse drawn-carriage, I guess 🙂

perfect imperfections

 

(oh and for that blog of my friend, you can check it out here: http://saputraroy.com/2013/04/29/himynym/)

Mistakes Women Make In A Relationship

On today’s lunch time, a friend told me stories about what she just found out from her boyfriend. They just started going out together few months ago, which makes my friends and I believe that they should still having their ‘honeymoon’ phase.

But no. Things aren’t as sweet as we thought. Because she starts to realize that this guy, like everybody else in this world, is not flawless.

That guy who seems so mature, sweet and adoring starting to show his true characters, and that means no more all sweet talking to get the girl because she’s already his (or so he thought). He can’t understand why my friend got upset over a privacy invasion, because he thought by being her boyfriend, he can know whatever he wants to know. That includes checking cellphones, reading  her diaries, and telling her what to do like removing friends from social media just because he doesn’t like her friend. He starts to make intimidating threats if she didn’t do what he tells her to.

As if those are not enough, he even starting to say harsh words towards her.

If this happened like, 7 or 8 years ago, I would be a person who snap him right in his face and telling him not to mess with my friend. But we’re all adults now, I believe she can handle her own problems especially something as sensitive as a relationship with someone, whom she might regard as husband-to-be.

So I just listened to her and telling her to be cautious, to adore herself and be smart enough to know when she got to let go (even though I believe it’s going to be difficult).

Being emotionally abused is something that most of us unconsciously accept as something normal. Some women think of it as an act of affection, some think they deserve it because it’s their fault, some just think that it’s something very normal in a relationship. Some just couldn’t do anything other than remain silent and accept their ‘luck’ although they realize something is not right.

I’m not an expert in psychology nor human relationship, but I notice there are some mistakes that girl often do in their emotionally abusive relationship.

These are some mistakes that I found;

  1. Too afraid to fight back or tell him that she doesn’t deserve it. This makes them easier to bully at.
  2. Love him too much that she forgot to love herself. Cliche.
  3. Worrying/ afraid if she can’t find someone better than him.
  4. Thinking that she could be the one who changes him. Thought she could be a hero for him.
  5. Feeling that she deserves it because it’s her fault. (Girls, some men are so good with words that they could distort the fact just to get what they want by putting you to blame)
  6. Forgive him for the… oh she lost count. For the countless times of emotionally abusing her, because he is crying begging for forgiveness and tell her that he realized his fault. (If he really feels sorry, he won’t repeat the same mistakes, girls. Wake up.)
  7. Feel ashamed if separation happens and people find out the fact.
  8. Feel pity for him. For whatever reason, for example, he’s a broken-home victim.
  9. Thinking that he needs her by his side or in his life, or vice versa.

I could only wish for those who are in an emotionally abusive relationship, that they know the limit. When to let go, when to say no, when to stop everything and love yourself more. Even though that’s not gonna be easy at all. But enough is enough, and you should know that before it’s too late.

Because believe me, however or whatever you are, you worth more than you thought.

love yourself

What’s Left Behind

We all have that moment when we got so angry we just couldn’t hold ourselves from saying mean or harsh words towards our beloved ones. Or maybe we didn’t say anything but we gave them a silent treatment.

As if things would turn better if we did so.

As if we would get what we want by doing so.

I’m not going to write tips on how to have a better outburst when anger strikes you. No.

I just wonder what would I do if I just vented my anger to my beloved ones, but before I had the chance to apologize or make it up to them, they’re gone.

Forever.

Just like that, and what I have with me is just a huge regret I will never forget and no matter how loud I cry or say sorry they would never bring that person back to me.

Yes, I’m talking about death.

Sometimes we got so mad at someone that we just can’t ‘let it go.’ But once they’re gone, we looked back and hoping if only we could just hold ourselves at that time and forgive that person for whatever fault they had done. IF ONLY.

Hopelessly wondering what if… what if… and what if…

We never know when will time stop us. Stop us from looking at our beloved ones, smiling, feeling our toes, tasting tasty delicacies, feeling the warmth of sun, feeling the raindrops falling on our skin, or even, stop our heartbeat, our breath, our journey in life.

We will never know when will time stop the people around us too. We just suddenly lost the time to smile more, to give a goodbye kiss, to say that everything’s gonna be alright because we’ll meet again eventually. Somewhere. Somehow.

If I could choose, I only wish that I had the time to say a proper goodbye to everyone that’s leaving. Or those whom I left behind, someday.

Because although most of the times it is unavoidable, still, I hate if I have to carry this thing around with me:

Regret.

regrets-tears