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My name is Albert.

My family call me Al, while most of my friends call me Bert. Actually, I think all of my friends call me Bert. All, except one.

She never called me Bert. Nor Al. Heck, not even Albert.

The first time we met was at Tony’s, my friend, birthday party. She was his girlfriend’s cousin. Tony brought her around when I was getting another drink, I heard him giving a swift introduction, “Here, this dude over here is Albert. But we usually just call him Bert.”

I turned my back, facing them. In front of me was Tony with a tomato red face, proof that he was starting to drank too much alcohol, and a gorgeous woman with a shoulder-length brown hair. Her eyes were as black as the night sky, twinkling like there were stars inside.

Suddenly I felt like stuttering. “Hi.”

Her eyebrows shot up a little bit and she smiled coyly, “Hi.”

What a simple word with only two letters. But that, along with her smile, had successfully got me smitten. Oh call me shallow, call me vain. But I was sure at that moment a cupid just shot me right in the heart. Nice shot, buddy, nice shot.

I grinned like an idiot, “Hi.”

Oh wait, that was the second hi, wasn’t it. I was truly an idiot. She chuckled while Tony looked at me like I had just peed myself. Then Tony introduced her to other people and later on the evening I saw her hanging out with other girls. She laughed, throwing her head to the back. Her brown hair swaying, and her head tilted to the side while listening to her friends talking.

The rest of the night was a blur. But I remembered waking up on my bed the next morning, alone, and kept thinking about her. The way her eyes squinted when she laughed, the way she put her hand on the side of her hip, and… her smile. I remembered clearly she had a very beautiful smile.

On the afternoon, I decided I should asked Tony her number. But first, coffee.

I remember the guys said something about a new coffee shop around the office complex. Well, might as well try another new thing today. Other than daring myself to ask for a girl’s number to my asshole friend, risking myself to be a teasing object for weeks.

As I pushed open the door and my eyes scanned around for someone I might knew, they were stumbled on a pair of familiar eyes. I felt out of breath.

The risk of being teased for asking her number was gone. But there was now a huge risk of making myself a fool right in the middle of this coffee shop, and right in front of her.

For a split second, I was thinking, did she remember me? Did she not? What if she didn’t? What should I say? Should I reintroduce myself? That were a lot of thinking in a brief moment, so I finally went with the easiest way to make sure.

I smiled.

And my heart was beating faster as her eyes lit up, telling me that she remembered me. She remembered me. A little version of myself inside my head was doing a happy dance, jumping and shouting triumphantly YES!! SHE REMEMBERED ME!!

She waved her hand, “Hi!”

“Hi there!” I said, probably way too brightly. She gave me a broad smile, the smile I remember, and her shoulder relaxed.

“Hi, B.” she said again. Smiling, teasingly.

I was stupefied a moment, then letting out a relieved laugh. It felt like all the nervousness depleted.

That afternoon, my decision to get a cup of coffee at a new place turned out to be an amazing 1 hour of talking and laughing and seeing her laugh which in return made me laugh, deliriously happy. She had no idea this was the new recommended place the guys talked about, she just dropped a document for her boss at a nearby building. Something her secretary friend usually would do, but today that friend was on sick leave so she had to do it instead.

I believe that was fate, the one just like in those romantic cliche movies and novels. Hey turned out it was real. It’s like that quote in a famous book, if you really want something, the universe will conspires to make it happened. Or something like that.

I saved her number to my phone before we left the coffee shop.

And that was the beginning of us chatting all day. Phone calls on nights, talking until one of us fell asleep. A date a week later. Almost nonstop chats. Phone calls every night. More dates.

And a new nickname.


No one ever said something but as we continued our chats and calls and dates, we knew we were an item. People knew she was mine and I was hers.

Life was good. Life was beautiful. It felt like the sky was always bright blue and the birds chirping happily on the background.

On days it was actually raining, I was still happy. We would snuggling inside the blanket and sharing a big mug of hot coffee. We would order delivery foods, watching Netflix, cuddling, warming up each other and at the end of the night, I knew I would fall asleep with her in my arms.

Sometimes on a relax evening, we listened to slow ballad songs using only one set of earphone, swaying our heads in sync, sometimes looking at each other and smiled. And I loved to watch how she closed her eyes, tilted her head to side, and slowly, repeatedly nodding her head, immersing to the song.

Then, as all other couples, we had our first fight. Our second. Our third. And it became countless.

She called me asshole more often now. Oh and jerk. If we count how many times she called me asshole and jerk, I think they would be tied on the first place.

I didn’t even remember when, but it started to felt tense when we were in the same room. Not a desirable kind of tense. Rather like I-could-claw-your-eyes-out-if-you-said-the-wrong-thing kind of tense.

I felt exhausted, everything I said could and would turn into something she held against me. Everything was wrong. We were mean to each other, and I was not sure how, but it felt like we hate each other.

So one day, on a breezy Saturday afternoon, we decided we were better when we’re not together.

Before we parted ways, she gave me a hesitant and wry smile, “Can we… Can we, well, still be friends?”

I looked at her, unblinking.

Then I tried my best to smile lazily, not sure if it looked convincing and assuring, “Yeah. Sure. I mean, sure that goes without saying. Friends. Right?”

That was 3 years ago and for the past 3 years we didn’t exactly be friends. Only contacted each other to say Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, without small talks. Every wish was replied with a “Thank you, you too, have a wonderful day!” full stop.

We never bumped into each other again, because she moved to another city and pursue her master degree there.

Sometimes, on a breezy afternoon when I was sipping my warm coffee in a coffee shop, I would remember her. Like now.

I remember how we coincidentally met at a coffee shop. Her vibrant smile, the way she touch her nose when she was embarrassed, how her eyes went bigger when I brought her favorite cake, the sound of her laughter and how she threw her head back when she laughed.

The episodes when she screamed and yelled at me were not forgotten, but they didn’t feel like they were as infuriating as back then. I could remember how she cried and made me feel like I was such a loser and at the same time, monster towards her. But I wonder if I said better words, lowered the tone of my voice, and tried to talk things out with her… Would it be different now? If every time we fight I stayed and calmly listened to her instead of slamming the door and left the house, would we still be together?

Could both of us be a better version of ourselves?

I wonder,

If I were given a second chance, would I seize it?

Would I press the reset button and start afresh with her?

I smiled mirthlessly and sipped my coffee. Well, enough wondering what ifs. I put the cup down and got up.

As I walked through the pavement, I could feel the wind was getting even colder. Frosty air prickling on my face. I walked faster and got into the subway station, it felt so much better without the icy cold wind slapping my face. I shifted my postman bag and strode across to the escalator.

I stood on the left side, absentmindedly.

But somehow, from the corner of my eye, I caught someone like her. I turned my head to the left. There she was, standing on the other side of escalator going down, eyes downcast.

Hair still as brown as mahogany. But it was wavy now, and longer.

There was a sudden rush urge to see her face clearly so I called her name, but it came out almost like whisper. And I held my breath.

Slowly, she lifted her head. Her eyes looked confused, like she heard someone called her name but not sure if she was imagining it or not.

After a split second that felt like ten years for me, she turned her head to her left side and saw me.

And just like that, she smiled.

A smile that was so radiant, she looked beatific.

As my escalator kept going up and hers kept going down, we were holding our breath while staring at each other intently.

She opened her mouth to say something and close it again.

And finally, she called out,



Right ring on the right finger

Finally it’s on the right finger!

Lol. I’d been wearing my engagement ring on the middle finger because someone ordered the ring with the size of his little/pinky finger, assuming that my ring finger and his little finger are pretty much the same size. D’oh. Hahahaha.

I didn’t want to change it initially.. Well, you know, for sentimental reason. (or actually I just want to remind him how stupid he is? Lol!)

But 8 months after the proposal I finally decided to resize it since it was still too big for my middle finger, and I realize it will look so much better on my ring finger.

It does! 🙂 🙂 🙂

100 years after 100 days from today

7 days ago was our 4th dating anniversary.

I never thought that I could be someone’s girlfriend for that long. I used to think that a relationship became so boring when all the initial excitements had vanished. When the butterflies were all gone and the overwhelming feeling of always missing my boyfriend had subsided. When calling him would not make my heart beats faster. When waiting for his text was not so frustrating yet exciting anymore.
When love… just didn’t feel so passionate anymore.

Yet, being your girlfriend for so long doesn’t bore me.

Last week when I’m with my mom and I’m just reading japanese manga the whole day, she asked me, “How do you spend your quality time with Taz if you keep reading manga all day long?”

I look up from my manga and thinking for a bit then said, “Well.. If I’m reading then he will be watching TV or playing games. But we do it by sitting next to each other, sometimes we’re holding hands while doing it. Other times our legs will be entwined. Or he will caress me if he’s watching TV. That way we realize each other’s presence. And that’s definitely fine and enjoyable for both of us.”

My mom frowned. She might think we are weird. Others might think so, too.

But that weirdness probably is the reason why I haven’t feel bored yet. I love being weird with you.

I can’t tell you how many people who frowned or looking at me with disbelief when I told them that our favorite TV show was everything on Nat Geo Wild. That channel is boring for a lot of people, yet we enjoy it a lot.

Funny to see how our relationship is not boring even though we like to do ‘boring’ activities like that. 😀

I guess… you’re just like my comfortable bolster. People might think our way of spending time is boring, but I hug you with familiarity, I kiss you with tons of love, and I feel like I will be lost without you. I feel at ease the most when I have you with me. I can’t sleep well without you.

Whether I’m reading, watching DVD, playing games, or doing any kind of my own things, I feel like it would be better if I know you are near me. Even though you’re busy on your own too.

That boring comfort zone, oddly, doesn’t bore me.

As I used to tell you, I don’t know for how long will I still keep loving you passionately.

But know this, even though those sparks of passionate love might fade, our boring activities will bring our hands to hold each other again.

And as we always do, we will be looking at each other with a smirk, raising our eyebrows without any exchange of words and smile lovingly while our hands hold each other tighter.

That weird us… probably why I’m still with you with insatiable need to love and to be loved. 🙂

Happy 4th dating anniversary, love.

100 days from today will be our big day to start a new journey with a new status.
And from that day, let’s live 100 boring yet comfortable and loving years together.


soon to be


Yesterday a friend of mine asked me some questions and somehow they are related to insecurity in a relationship.

So to start this post I would like to confess something I’ve always been proudly telling my friends about:


Especially when it comes to my relationship. I always warn every guy who is wooing me that I’m not going to be so ‘fun’ or ‘lovable’ as a girlfriend. I’m very self conscious that it’s an impossible task for me to get rid of this insecurity. ( or maybe it’s not that impossible, maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe I could if only I try harder. Lol.)

Anyway by being an insecure bitch, I mean I be like:

  • Constantly checking fiance’s phone. (I’ve told him that asking me to be his girlfriend equals to giving me permission to do this. He thinks it’s not a problem, so, yeah.)
  • I dislike it when fiance gives me criticism. (But I’m so working this one out and I think I’m getting better in accepting them. I’m not that mad anymore when he tells me that I’m putting on weight, I just got mad ‘a little’. LOL.)
  • Need him to keep assuring me that he loves me, that I’m the only one for him, I’m the best for him, he feels so lucky for having me in his life, and so on. You got the idea.
  • Easily got jealous. For example when fiance’s boss (who is a female) asked his opinion, “I’m going to buy a car, what do you think of this xxx brand car? Is it good?” that would put me on alert. I would wonder if she is genuinely asking for an opinion, or is she seeking his attention? Though I rarely tell this one to fiance because most of the times I could overcome this feeling. (Yay! :D)
  • Kinda hate it when I’m don’t have anything to do on weekend and my friends are all not available to go out with me, but he’s going to have fun with his friends without me. I feel left out. It’s such an annoying feeling so I got angry. I would let him go, but I’ll make sure he’ll have a guilt-trip by venting my anger (of being left out) at him.
    (Yep, I know what you guys would probably think: What a crazy insecure bitch. And I could only scream back: I KNOW RIGHT?? But I couldn’t help it *le sigh* This one rarely happens though! Luckily! Lol.)
  • Want him to put our couple photo as his profile picture on every social networking platform. All instant messengers, facebook, path, everything. You name it. He gotta show the world that he’s taken. That he has a fabulous but so insecure fiancee. (LOLOLOLOL sorry if that makes you wanna puke over this post.) 😀
  • Have that kind of weird but sometimes overwhelming need to see him ‘tells the world’ about me. Okay I might not be able to explain this well, but I think it’s probably like… hmm.. For example I would want him to uploads his pictures with me (which he super duper rarely does) on social media. Or updating a status saying how much he loves me. Or how happy he is with me. Or anything that flatters me. (My realization that I’m being so pathetic about this even makes me sad! Now I’m not only insecure, but also desperate.) 😦
  • Dislike his ex(es). I wished he didn’t have to be friends with all of them. But in fact, I let him be friends with some of them. There are 2 particular ex(es) that I want him to stay away from though. With these two, if it’s possible, I want him to not even say ‘hi’ when they accidentally meet or bump into each other. And from these two, there’s one that I hate her to the core. So I want him to never ever had any kind of contact with her. And that stupid insecure bitch in me sometimes just have to wonder “Why did he wanted her back then? Eeww.” (AND I KNOW, I KNOW I’M BEING SO STUPID. *tears*)

And this two are the insecurity problems I have as a person (so it’s not only happened in the relationship)

  • I often worry about what people think about me.
  • Randomly but quite often, I would suddenly remember humiliating or embarrassing moments that happened to me in the past. And I would get really depressed. (I think this one causes me to feel insecure so I have to write this one in.)

Since I do realize I’m an insecure bitch, I have another ‘me’ inside me that I would call rational angel. The rational angel in me would tell me when I’m being so foolish over my insecurity. When I’m being stupid and starting to be too pathetic. So I would get back to my senses and refrain myself from doing something I would regret. Rational angel would remind me that fiance loves me a lot, and I would remember those little things he did that actually shows me how much he loves me so he didn’t need to keep telling me that. Rational angel would also remind me that I have a loyal and trustworthy fiance so I don’t have to worry. (This one works the best so far, that’s why most of the times I could overcome my jealousy.)

But of course… Rational angel doesn’t always successfully holding my insecurities back. Sometimes the insecure bitch is just so much stronger. 😀

Since fiance and I both realize the problems I have, I also told fiance how often I need to be kissed and hugged. It helps to ease my insecurities 🙂

Lucky for me, fiance has always been so understanding. He scolds me when he should, he hugs me when I need one.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even thinking about writing this post if yesterday’s conversation didn’t happen. This should be embarrassing, telling people what an insecure bitch I am. But my boss once told me that to overcome a bad side of ourselves, we have to realize it and if we could, write it down.

So I did.

There are so many levels of insecurities that people have. Some had it better, some had it worse. I’m not that worse that I would feel happy to see others’ misfortune. I’m not that worse that I would belittle others’ success.

But I think I’m worse enough to make fiance feel bad/sad every single time my insecurity got into me. I think I’m worse enough to make him feel guilty over something that he actually shouldn’t feel guilty about.

So here I am, writing this down to remind myself. That I should really learn to overcome this insecurities. That I should really learn to be better. For myself. For people that I love. For my relationship.


Kamu, sini kamu

Hai kamu.
Sini, kamu.
Mau aku genggam jemarimu untuk mengusir rindu.

Kamu, sini kamu.
Mau aku peluk erat dirimu di bawah langit kelabu.

Ayo kemari. Jangan malu.
Mau aku kecup bibirmu hingga tak peduli waktu.

Ke sini, ke sisiku, kamu.
Mau aku dekap hingga hilang semua rasa ragu.

Sini, mari ke sini didekatku.
Mau aku cintai kamu sepenuh hati hingga kita punya anak cucu.

Hingga semua helai rambut kita telah menjadi abu-abu.

Mari saling berpeluk hingga kita kembali menjadi debu.

Hanya aku.
Dan kamu.
Menjadi satu.


Jakarta, 27 Juni 2014


It was just like any other weekend. It was just like any other Saturday. It was just like any other lunch appointment we usually have with my mom whenever she’s in town.


….or so I thought.

It was initially an ordinary Saturday for me. Then it suddenly became a memorable Saturday, 14 June 2014.

The day I become a fiancée of an asshole.


Actually, I’ve told him several times that I didn’t need an engagement ring. All I wanted was a surprising proposal from him, asking me to be his wife. No ring needed because, as I said in the previous sentence, all I wanted was a surprising proposal.

Was that too much to ask? Well, it probably was. LOL. 😀

I realize that I’m dating someone who’s not romantic, which makes me determined to make him at least for only once in our lifetime, please, please be romantic to me.


I only wanted to, for example, getting into a room with candles on bed forming the word “will you marry me”. That’s it and I will answer yes immediately. (only if the guy is that asshole I love, though. Not that I will answer yes to everyone who does that. LOL.)

I know that justifies of how unrealistic I am, of how I’m being a fool, for hoping such a cheesy act from boyfriend.

But even though there was no surprising proposal as I wanted, he, as he always does, showed me that he could did that romantically in his own way.

No candlelight dinner. No dim light in the room. No roses or any other flowers. No friends hiding in the corner. No heart-shaped or pink-coloured things. Nothing.


Just him.

Hugging me tightly from behind. Kissing the top of my head. Looking into my eyes from the mirror in front of me. Nervously rocking me in his arm. And asked me in his unusually deep voice, “Will you marry me?”



And of course I didn’t say yes right away. LOL. 😀

But after some jokes and our laughter seemed like bursting out beautifully and gleefuly to the air, of course I couldn’t be more sure to be his partner of life, right? 🙂


…and I’m so damnright proud to be his fiancée 🙂

After panicking over the realization that the ring was too big for my ring finger, I calmed him down by telling him that wearing it in my middle finger will do. That way I could also show my attitude by showing him my middle finger PLUS the engagement ring.

LOL just kidding :p

To my surprise, he also knelt down and fixing the ring on my finger. I never thought he would did that, honestly. 😀


And after that, it was all overjoyed giggles, looking into each other’s eyes and feeling silly plus embarassed of this unusual act, and a big loving hug while telling each other that simple three words we usually took as granted.


…and it really felt like love was the only thing in the air at that moment. 🙂

Found boyfriend’s old cards today!

Found boyfriend’s 1996/1997 christmas and season greeting cards from his friends.

So when I was thinking how old he was back then, it creeps me out by realizing that on 1996 he was in his first year of senior high school, while I was in my first year of…



…elementary school.


That’s right, ‘Anak kelas 1 SMA’ and ‘Anak kelas 1 SD’ people!!

So I assume when he was flirting with his girl friends, I was still drinking a bottled milk and innocently played dolls with my girl friends!

Lol 😀


Funny how that teenager and little girl can fall in love with each other 15 years later, eh?

Life is so full of surprises 🙂