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I walked across the room, looking at this music box on a small wood desk.

Weird, very weird.

I have never came here before, but this music box looked familiar.

Very weird indeed.

“Have you waited long?”, a voice startled me.

She turned around, swiftly as soon as she heard me.

But it was like she moved in slow-motion. How her calf-length skirt swayed, how she spun herself, and how her hair covered her face partially as the wind blew.

She looked confused. Her expression was questioning me, and everything.

Deep down inside me, I was chuckling.

She was beautiful as always.

“Uh. Hi.”, I greeted this man in front of me.

He was wearing a white loose shirt, he has this silver fox hair and his eyes… they were magnetic. Those that would draw you in if you stared at them too long. Oh and I was doing that alright.

I tried to smile, awkwardly.

“Uhm. I’m Sierra.”

His smile faded as he stared at me, and he looked disappointed for a split second. Then he smiled, a smile that was so calming, so beautiful and so familiar.


“Hi, Sierra. Liking what you were looking at?” he pointed at the music box

“Ah yes. No. I mean, I don’t know. I think it was a music box?” I laughed, embarrassed at myself for getting so nervous.

He chuckled. It sounded like a warm espresso on a winter night.

He looked at me with a serious look on his face. “Yes it’s a music box. But you know, it could also be a treasure box or something. Do you want to try to open it?”

He smiled teasingly. I blushed.

“I don’t know. Can I?” I looked at the music box again.

He stood beside me. He walked so quietly I almost didn’t realize it.

“Sure. If you have the key.”

We just stood there in silence while staring at this music box keyhole.

Ah, yes, I just realized it has a keyhole on it.

Do I have the key?

Weird. So weird.

I felt so relaxed. So peaceful that it was weird.

Ah, where is this place again?

Wait, why am I here?

I started to looked around slowly.

There were no other thing in this room but this desk and a music box on it.

The walls were the color of autumn leaves. I love autumn.

How do I get here again?

I looked at this man in front of me, quizzically.

What was his name again?

I smiled.

It’s always entertaining when she narrowed her eyes and got deep in thought.

I missed that. So much that it was so painful that I had to wait such a long time.

“I painted the walls. Because you like them, don’t you? The color of ginger and cinnamon? Of how the leaves changed their colors on fall? You also like to step on dried leaves just to hear the crackling sound they made.” I couldn’t help myself but chuckled as I remembered that.

I darted my eyes on his immediately.

Did I know him? I do know him, don’t I?

My eyes started to get wet. Uh why was this again?

I felt a strong feeling of longing something.

I stared at him, looking into his hazel eyes, trying to find an answer.

My hands reached for my pocket and I felt my hand touching something metal cold.

I looked at him with tears welling up.

He smiled gently, “You have the key?”

I pulled out a small gold key.

“Do you want to try to put that key in? You might find something treasured inside. Probably your old mitten? The one that you couldn’t bear of throwing it away even though it was already so worn out. The color was not even olive green anymore.” he laughed and looking at me, amusingly.

I pouted.

He had this twinkle in his eyes and smiled coyly.

“I love your pout. I always have, I always do, I always will, Eyra.”

Butterflies were flying erratically in my stomach. My heart thumping hard.

I know this guy. I surely do.

Even the butterflies in my stomach knew that I do, they felt so familiar, like a de ja vu.

I ignored him and focusing on the music box instead.

My hand was shaking slightly, but I managed to put the key inside it.

I twisted it gently and heard a click sound.

I looked at this man who was smiling so gently at me. He gleamed with anticipation.

I opened the music box gently.

The melody of Aubrey song was filling up the room.

And Aubrey was her name,
We tripped the light and danced together to the moon

I watched how realization dawned upon her, memories were hitting her hard, her tears started streaming down.

I puled her into my arms, embracing her. I caressed her ash gray hair and hold her small fragile body tightly as she cried her heart out.

“Gregory.. Oh Gregory… How I missed you… How could I forgot you…” she wept.

I smiled into her hair and kissed the top of her head.

“I forgot who I was when I first got here too, darling. It’s okay. It’s okay. I know you would remember me anyway.”

I pulled her chin up, holding her gaze.

He kissed my tears.

My sweet, sweet Gregory.

How could I forgot him?

After all this time I’ve waited for this moment to be with him again.

I held his hand tightly.

“Finally. Finally I can see you again.”

I stroked his face gently and lovingly.

He smiled and kissed the inside of my wrinkly palm.

“I know. I missed you too.”

I smiled brightly.

It was so bright in this room as well.


“Aubrey. Are you done?”

“Ah yes, just a little while.”

I took the music box from the drawer.

Mom often asked me to open this music box to her in the hospital, she would listened to the music serenely.

It reminded her of dad, I guess.

I sat on the edge of my bed.

I remembered how they used to play this music box to stop my tears back then when I was a little kid. When dad passed away, mom would sometimes open this music box too. Now that I thought about those moments again, I believed those were times when she was missing him.

So I would open this on the funeral. And later I would too, when I miss them.

I smiled at the music box and wiped my tears.

Slowly, I opened the box.

Mom, Dad, I miss you.

Oh and mom, have you met dad?



100 years after 100 days from today

7 days ago was our 4th dating anniversary.

I never thought that I could be someone’s girlfriend for that long. I used to think that a relationship became so boring when all the initial excitements had vanished. When the butterflies were all gone and the overwhelming feeling of always missing my boyfriend had subsided. When calling him would not make my heart beats faster. When waiting for his text was not so frustrating yet exciting anymore.
When love… just didn’t feel so passionate anymore.

Yet, being your girlfriend for so long doesn’t bore me.

Last week when I’m with my mom and I’m just reading japanese manga the whole day, she asked me, “How do you spend your quality time with Taz if you keep reading manga all day long?”

I look up from my manga and thinking for a bit then said, “Well.. If I’m reading then he will be watching TV or playing games. But we do it by sitting next to each other, sometimes we’re holding hands while doing it. Other times our legs will be entwined. Or he will caress me if he’s watching TV. That way we realize each other’s presence. And that’s definitely fine and enjoyable for both of us.”

My mom frowned. She might think we are weird. Others might think so, too.

But that weirdness probably is the reason why I haven’t feel bored yet. I love being weird with you.

I can’t tell you how many people who frowned or looking at me with disbelief when I told them that our favorite TV show was everything on Nat Geo Wild. That channel is boring for a lot of people, yet we enjoy it a lot.

Funny to see how our relationship is not boring even though we like to do ‘boring’ activities like that. 😀

I guess… you’re just like my comfortable bolster. People might think our way of spending time is boring, but I hug you with familiarity, I kiss you with tons of love, and I feel like I will be lost without you. I feel at ease the most when I have you with me. I can’t sleep well without you.

Whether I’m reading, watching DVD, playing games, or doing any kind of my own things, I feel like it would be better if I know you are near me. Even though you’re busy on your own too.

That boring comfort zone, oddly, doesn’t bore me.

As I used to tell you, I don’t know for how long will I still keep loving you passionately.

But know this, even though those sparks of passionate love might fade, our boring activities will bring our hands to hold each other again.

And as we always do, we will be looking at each other with a smirk, raising our eyebrows without any exchange of words and smile lovingly while our hands hold each other tighter.

That weird us… probably why I’m still with you with insatiable need to love and to be loved. 🙂

Happy 4th dating anniversary, love.

100 days from today will be our big day to start a new journey with a new status.
And from that day, let’s live 100 boring yet comfortable and loving years together.


soon to be


Yesterday a friend of mine asked me some questions and somehow they are related to insecurity in a relationship.

So to start this post I would like to confess something I’ve always been proudly telling my friends about:


Especially when it comes to my relationship. I always warn every guy who is wooing me that I’m not going to be so ‘fun’ or ‘lovable’ as a girlfriend. I’m very self conscious that it’s an impossible task for me to get rid of this insecurity. ( or maybe it’s not that impossible, maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe I could if only I try harder. Lol.)

Anyway by being an insecure bitch, I mean I be like:

  • Constantly checking fiance’s phone. (I’ve told him that asking me to be his girlfriend equals to giving me permission to do this. He thinks it’s not a problem, so, yeah.)
  • I dislike it when fiance gives me criticism. (But I’m so working this one out and I think I’m getting better in accepting them. I’m not that mad anymore when he tells me that I’m putting on weight, I just got mad ‘a little’. LOL.)
  • Need him to keep assuring me that he loves me, that I’m the only one for him, I’m the best for him, he feels so lucky for having me in his life, and so on. You got the idea.
  • Easily got jealous. For example when fiance’s boss (who is a female) asked his opinion, “I’m going to buy a car, what do you think of this xxx brand car? Is it good?” that would put me on alert. I would wonder if she is genuinely asking for an opinion, or is she seeking his attention? Though I rarely tell this one to fiance because most of the times I could overcome this feeling. (Yay! :D)
  • Kinda hate it when I’m don’t have anything to do on weekend and my friends are all not available to go out with me, but he’s going to have fun with his friends without me. I feel left out. It’s such an annoying feeling so I got angry. I would let him go, but I’ll make sure he’ll have a guilt-trip by venting my anger (of being left out) at him.
    (Yep, I know what you guys would probably think: What a crazy insecure bitch. And I could only scream back: I KNOW RIGHT?? But I couldn’t help it *le sigh* This one rarely happens though! Luckily! Lol.)
  • Want him to put our couple photo as his profile picture on every social networking platform. All instant messengers, facebook, path, everything. You name it. He gotta show the world that he’s taken. That he has a fabulous but so insecure fiancee. (LOLOLOLOL sorry if that makes you wanna puke over this post.) 😀
  • Have that kind of weird but sometimes overwhelming need to see him ‘tells the world’ about me. Okay I might not be able to explain this well, but I think it’s probably like… hmm.. For example I would want him to uploads his pictures with me (which he super duper rarely does) on social media. Or updating a status saying how much he loves me. Or how happy he is with me. Or anything that flatters me. (My realization that I’m being so pathetic about this even makes me sad! Now I’m not only insecure, but also desperate.) 😦
  • Dislike his ex(es). I wished he didn’t have to be friends with all of them. But in fact, I let him be friends with some of them. There are 2 particular ex(es) that I want him to stay away from though. With these two, if it’s possible, I want him to not even say ‘hi’ when they accidentally meet or bump into each other. And from these two, there’s one that I hate her to the core. So I want him to never ever had any kind of contact with her. And that stupid insecure bitch in me sometimes just have to wonder “Why did he wanted her back then? Eeww.” (AND I KNOW, I KNOW I’M BEING SO STUPID. *tears*)

And this two are the insecurity problems I have as a person (so it’s not only happened in the relationship)

  • I often worry about what people think about me.
  • Randomly but quite often, I would suddenly remember humiliating or embarrassing moments that happened to me in the past. And I would get really depressed. (I think this one causes me to feel insecure so I have to write this one in.)

Since I do realize I’m an insecure bitch, I have another ‘me’ inside me that I would call rational angel. The rational angel in me would tell me when I’m being so foolish over my insecurity. When I’m being stupid and starting to be too pathetic. So I would get back to my senses and refrain myself from doing something I would regret. Rational angel would remind me that fiance loves me a lot, and I would remember those little things he did that actually shows me how much he loves me so he didn’t need to keep telling me that. Rational angel would also remind me that I have a loyal and trustworthy fiance so I don’t have to worry. (This one works the best so far, that’s why most of the times I could overcome my jealousy.)

But of course… Rational angel doesn’t always successfully holding my insecurities back. Sometimes the insecure bitch is just so much stronger. 😀

Since fiance and I both realize the problems I have, I also told fiance how often I need to be kissed and hugged. It helps to ease my insecurities 🙂

Lucky for me, fiance has always been so understanding. He scolds me when he should, he hugs me when I need one.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even thinking about writing this post if yesterday’s conversation didn’t happen. This should be embarrassing, telling people what an insecure bitch I am. But my boss once told me that to overcome a bad side of ourselves, we have to realize it and if we could, write it down.

So I did.

There are so many levels of insecurities that people have. Some had it better, some had it worse. I’m not that worse that I would feel happy to see others’ misfortune. I’m not that worse that I would belittle others’ success.

But I think I’m worse enough to make fiance feel bad/sad every single time my insecurity got into me. I think I’m worse enough to make him feel guilty over something that he actually shouldn’t feel guilty about.

So here I am, writing this down to remind myself. That I should really learn to overcome this insecurities. That I should really learn to be better. For myself. For people that I love. For my relationship.


QoTD: Sand Paper

“When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end,

You end up polished,

..and they end up useless.”

– Chris Colfer


It was just like any other weekend. It was just like any other Saturday. It was just like any other lunch appointment we usually have with my mom whenever she’s in town.


….or so I thought.

It was initially an ordinary Saturday for me. Then it suddenly became a memorable Saturday, 14 June 2014.

The day I become a fiancée of an asshole.


Actually, I’ve told him several times that I didn’t need an engagement ring. All I wanted was a surprising proposal from him, asking me to be his wife. No ring needed because, as I said in the previous sentence, all I wanted was a surprising proposal.

Was that too much to ask? Well, it probably was. LOL. 😀

I realize that I’m dating someone who’s not romantic, which makes me determined to make him at least for only once in our lifetime, please, please be romantic to me.


I only wanted to, for example, getting into a room with candles on bed forming the word “will you marry me”. That’s it and I will answer yes immediately. (only if the guy is that asshole I love, though. Not that I will answer yes to everyone who does that. LOL.)

I know that justifies of how unrealistic I am, of how I’m being a fool, for hoping such a cheesy act from boyfriend.

But even though there was no surprising proposal as I wanted, he, as he always does, showed me that he could did that romantically in his own way.

No candlelight dinner. No dim light in the room. No roses or any other flowers. No friends hiding in the corner. No heart-shaped or pink-coloured things. Nothing.


Just him.

Hugging me tightly from behind. Kissing the top of my head. Looking into my eyes from the mirror in front of me. Nervously rocking me in his arm. And asked me in his unusually deep voice, “Will you marry me?”



And of course I didn’t say yes right away. LOL. 😀

But after some jokes and our laughter seemed like bursting out beautifully and gleefuly to the air, of course I couldn’t be more sure to be his partner of life, right? 🙂


…and I’m so damnright proud to be his fiancée 🙂

After panicking over the realization that the ring was too big for my ring finger, I calmed him down by telling him that wearing it in my middle finger will do. That way I could also show my attitude by showing him my middle finger PLUS the engagement ring.

LOL just kidding :p

To my surprise, he also knelt down and fixing the ring on my finger. I never thought he would did that, honestly. 😀


And after that, it was all overjoyed giggles, looking into each other’s eyes and feeling silly plus embarassed of this unusual act, and a big loving hug while telling each other that simple three words we usually took as granted.


…and it really felt like love was the only thing in the air at that moment. 🙂

Found boyfriend’s old cards today!

Found boyfriend’s 1996/1997 christmas and season greeting cards from his friends.

So when I was thinking how old he was back then, it creeps me out by realizing that on 1996 he was in his first year of senior high school, while I was in my first year of…



…elementary school.


That’s right, ‘Anak kelas 1 SMA’ and ‘Anak kelas 1 SD’ people!!

So I assume when he was flirting with his girl friends, I was still drinking a bottled milk and innocently played dolls with my girl friends!

Lol 😀


Funny how that teenager and little girl can fall in love with each other 15 years later, eh?

Life is so full of surprises 🙂

Lesson learned: Never Dislike Someone Too Much

Since I was in my 13 or 14, when I said I dislike something or someone, older people would tell me not to dislike something or someone too much.

“Just don’t.”

They said I might ended up having my life stuck with the thing I dislike.

I think it’s ridiculous because hey I dislike it so there’s no chance I could get too near to it, right?

When I entered senior high school, I realized that even though I’m a chinese, I don’t like chinese guys. I prefer ‘pribumi’ or a native Indonesian. It’s difficult for me to explain why, but probably because I like guys with darker skin color and bigger eyes (than mine)?

(Disclaimer:  If this post seems like it’s getting racist, trust me, it doesn’t meant to be that way)


Anyway, that kinda explains how I had several pribumi ex-boyfriends from different ethnic group.

I never had a chinese boyfriend even though some chinese guys wooed me. Because no matter how I thought they’re cute or funny or I actually kinda liked them, I couldn’t bring myself to like them enough to be their girlfriend.

But there is always a first time of everything, right? (Okay, maybe not EVERYthing though. Not for eating cockroach satay at Thailand, for example 😀 )


So I met someone whom I initially regarded as another ordinary chinese guy who had a crush on me.

He almost lost me at a lot of things. The way he disappeared to the toilet without informing me when we went out on a date, his neklace, his shoes (later he told me, they were his FAVORITE shoes hahaha :D), his look (LOL!), the way he talked and probably almost everything because I just didn’t like chinese guy.

Especially the one that looks like a Hongkong’s triad/gangster member:

"I-Wanna-Kill-You" look

“I-Might-Kill-You” look


I just couldn’t hold myself from telling my cousins how screwed up the date went. My cousin laughed at me when I firmly said, “This guy totally lost me at almost everything. There won’t be another date between me and him.”

Yea, right. 😀


But after 6 months of chatting via Yahoo! Messenger and several dates (Yes, there was a second date. And no, I don’t remember why 😀 ),

I realized that he is not that ordinary.


And after almost a year of persistently wooing me, he finally won my heart. No matter how I used to think that the idea of being in love with this guy is ridiculous, somehow he managed to convince me that it’s not.


It actually turns out to be one of the best thing that ever happened to me 🙂


Honestly, now I still think that pribumi guys are hotter than chinese guys. But from all of them, the hottest guy is still this guy sitting beside me. (uh well, this is a very subjective statement, I admit. Lol. 😀 )



And of course, he made me believe what people told me;

“Never dislike someone or something too much. You might ended up having your life stuck with the thing you dislike.”


Well… I don’t regret how I initially dislike you, though. Because look at me now,


I’m happily stuck on you.




P.S. : Celebrating my 3 years of being his girlfriend. What a record! I never date someone this long before! How come I’m not even getting bored with him yet?? Lol 😀