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Roller Coaster

So, I think to myself.

Now that I’m here at the amusement park I wished I went with you.

Would you see that,

Clouds above our head, like a white cotton candy swirling around.

Would you see that,

People laughing gleefully, eyes enlightened with excitement.

Would you smell the hot air of mid June,

kissing our skin together with sunbeam.

Would you,

hold my hand?

I smiled.

Imagining how you tried to clasp my hand, awkwardly.

Yet you would try to do it nonchalantly.

And I would feel your hand sweating with nervousness.

Or was that mine?

I wonder,

Would you smile at me?

The way I do every time I remember you.

Or would you laugh?

Because I would love to see you laugh.

How your face lit up with happiness,

and all problems felt like evaporated to the air.

I look up,

Clouds scattered on the azure sky.

Reminded me of my fragments of heart.

While I try to make them stay stringing on a thin thread of hope.

I look at the roller coaster ride stopping in front of me.

Hopping into the car.

And slowly, I can hear the rattling sound it makes.

Like two massive gears are grinding,

As the ride ascending slowly uphill.

Adrenaline rush surging inside my bloodstream.

I feel anxious.

Thrilled.

And I wonder,

If you were right here beside me,

Would your heart throbbing fast like crazy,

Would you feel like you were weightless,

A bubble floating up to the sky,

Evanescent?

As the ride makes a screeching sound,

and reach its highest point,

I wish I was holding your hand.

 

And as it falls,

I wonder,

If you were right here beside me,

Our fingers intertwined.

Our hearts pounding.

Would you,

fall for me?

 

 

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Another Time

Sounds of people’s steps rushing up and down the stairs.

From the speaker, a lady told us that a train would arriving soon.

I held my tote bag closer.

Train arrived and opened the door.

Inside my mind, I chanted along the sound emitting from the train speaker, asking people to be careful with their steps.

And that doors are closing.

Another morning. Another peak hour rush.

I glanced around me, searching for a familiar face.

Couldn’t find it.

I felt a pang of disappointment.

I was putting my earphone on, thinking maybe listening to my favorite songs would make me feel not so despondent, when someone running towards the door and jumped inside exactly before the door closed.

He landed with a thud!

Very close to me, palms still on his knees.

His breath heavy.

I stood still, still overcoming my own shock.

Slowly, he raised his head and stand straight.

And then, he smiled.

Like a sparkling-light-bulb smile.

A smile that left me stunned.

Time was broken at the moment.

It was dysfunctional.

It was mummified.

How come such warm smile could froze me, I didn’t really understand.

“Sorry. That must startled you.”

And he held on to the pole I was also holding on.

That was it.

The face I was looking for.

And I,

I was still standing breathlessly. Imprinting his voice. His smile. Into my mind.

It’s been a few months now, every workday morning, I would try to find him among the crowd.

I didn’t know what drew me in.

Probably his gorgeous face.

Or the way his musky perfume scent evaporated into the air and left behind a whiff.

Or the electric sparkle I felt whenever I saw him.

I felt my days are brighter when I found him on the same train with me.

And for a short 10 minutes, I was content by looking at him.

Even only a glimpse.

Even only a part of his head in flood of people inside the train.

I would recognize his hair.

His side look.

His chiseled jaw.

His eyes staring intently to his phone.

Or the way they sometimes just staring out of the window.

“That’s alright.”

I said, trying so hard not to stutter.

And he smiled again.

Heart palpitations.

I believed I was sweating visibly now.

Because I felt feverish.

Now.

Now would be a good chance for me to ask for his number.

No, not his number.

His name.

Baby steps, I reminded myself.

I didn’t have to rush.

Or should I?

What would he thought if I asked his name?

Should I introduce myself first? Would that be weird?

My heart was still beating so fast I was worried it would get overdrive and I would drop dead.

What would be his name?

Would it suit him?

Wait, I never thought about this before, but was he even single?

He might be married. Or engaged. Or in a serious relationship.

Or none of the above.

God, I would never know if I did not start asking his name.

Wait no, I should tell him my name and let him tell me his name, instead of asking him his name out of nowhere.

Or probably I should make small talks first.

Yes, that would be good.

Right?

Right.

Small talks.

Maybe about the weather.

No, that’s lame.

About the train crowd?

I looked up and tried to muster up my courage when the train speaker announced that we would soon arriving at his station.

I swallowed my words.

His eyes darted up from his phone screen to the train door.

And moved to me.

I swallowed again, literally this time.

He smiled.

A smile that light up the world.

Slowly he made his way to the door.

And so, I tell myself again,

Repeated the same words I’d told myself these past few months.

Next time.

Next time I would ask him his name.

Or even his number.

Next time.

Yeah, next time I would.

Fireflies

I glanced at my watch.

A few minutes later, there he was.

He caught my eyes and smiled, all while pushing the door open, making the heat from outside sneaked inside for a second.

He pulled out the seat in front of me.

Nervously looked around.

While I take in all I can, looking at him.

His messy hair.

His long fingers now trying to comb his hair.

His lips pulling into an upturn, more like smirking.

His twinkling eyes. Those eyes I would love to dive into.

It felt like all the chattering around us became white noise on the background.

Like a movie where camera focused on us and everyone else is just blurred.

He leaned in to me a little.

“I missed you.” and he grinned.

Gosh, I thought to myself.

I blushed.

My heart picked up a race.

I felt warm all over my body.

Shouldn’t this stage of relationship passed already? Those moments when you got all flustered up just because few words he said.

I stared at him and gave a vibrant smile.

“I know.”

When we got out of the restaurant,

It was pouring.

For a moment, we just looking up to the somber sky, spewing out streams of water.

He turned his head to look at me.

“Ready?”

I was still grasping what he meant when he hold my hand and pulled it.

We ran to the parking lot.

I was screaming and laughing.

When we got into his car, we were drenched and breathing hard.

We looked at each other, trying to catch our breaths.

And our laughter broke.

Hard, uncompromising.

We laugh so hard I cried a little.

When it faded, he gripped the steering wheel and started the ignition.

His face tensed.

My heart was beating fast. All of my body was anticipating with need.

He drove us to a desolated roadside.

It was dark outside.

Only few glints of stars.

I looked through the car window.

Lights emanating from houses beneath us, like hundreds of fireflies.

He touched my hand, and I jerked.

It was like his skin was fire that startled me when it came into contact.

We were looking into each other’s eyes.

I could see my reflection, my hair wet and sticking to my face.

My mouth partially open, my breathing hitched.

He moved first, and instantly our lips meet.

It was slow at first. Like tasting the edge of ice cream.

And realizing we could not get enough.

After few seconds, it became wild.

Savoring each other like it could melted away if we didn’t.

His hands cupped my face and slowly makes it way to other parts of my body.

I was clinging to his shoulder.

We take and give.

We shared the feelings we have, feelings so strong they could rip us open.

We were ourselves.

Being honest to each other.

And when I reached the peak, I feel like bursting out and became hundreds of fireflies.

Flying around the paradise.

With the window rolled down, we stared at the sky while spooning.

Our breath calming down, our hearts thumping in sync.

And we talked about the stars.

The sky.

Last movie we saw.

Glimpse of our childhood.

Jokes we heard from our friends.

He asked how was my life as college student going.

I told him my new friends. My assignments.

I asked how was job going on for him.

He told me about his strict-but-very-supportive boss.

We reminisce how we met on the subway, all the stolen glances.

The bashful smile.

And again we retold jokes we heard from others.

Laughing.

Caressing.

Cuddling.

And just contentedly basking in this sheer happiness.

We never talked about the future.

Like we denied its existence.

Perhaps we understood the truth.

That we would never belong to the future.

Or rather,

There’s no future belong to us.

His arms wrapped around my shoulder and I smile, feeling fulfilled.

I stroke his arms with my fingers so slowly it was like brushing with a feather.

Slowly to his hand and his fingers.

His ring finger.

And the ring on it.

With someone else’s name carved inside.

 

Tonight.

I told myself.

Just tonight.

Let him be mine.

My tears welled up in my eyes and blurred my visions.

From a distance, I could see hundreds of fireflies.

Dancing.

Without worrying the future.

Coming Back

Phew.

It’s been a while since I wrote on this blog. I feel kinda guilty to abandon this one, but I keep writing on my other blog. It’s like I have another life. A busier one. Lol.

But every once in a while, it’s always comforting to get drowned in my thoughts. For almost 3 years, usually they ran for a short while in my mind, like a flickering gaze.

Dazing for a moment.

Forgotten the next.

Then I remembered, I have this la-la-land. A place where I can get lost together with my thoughts. A place where I can pour all my melodramatic things out, along with my sentimental feelings.

So here I am.

Coming back to a place I’m so familiar with.

Like smelling the scent earth gave off when rain tore up the sky, falling down to made love to the ground.

Giving me solace.


 

When I listen to songs I like,

Sometimes I just close my eyes.

And I remember a face.

A place.

A series of feelings.

How it makes my heart tingle.

How it makes me smile.

Or grinning like an idiot.

How it makes me want to cry.

Not because I’m upset.

Just because I feel like I want to.

How it makes me miss late night conversations.

Talking about life like we understand it.

or just making small talks.

No matter how small.

Trying to keep the conversation going.

How it probably makes us smiling longingly,

staring at the screen of our phone.

Reading every words.

Interpreting it in our own way,

trying to see beyond those words.

Searching for a deeper meaning,

hoping there’s something more beneath them.

Denying any bitter truth it might hold.

Denying the logic that keeps pushing into our mind.

And we just pushed it back out of our mind.

Because

At this moment,

while listening to a foreign-language song, we just want to get lost.

Even by deceiving ourselves.

Wait, since when I becomes we?

Suddenly my becomes our.

Like we both understand.

The feelings.

The mesmerizing way we want to keep chatting.

How we want to fall asleep knowing that we are the last person we spoke to.

before drifting to slumber.

Another la-la-land.

But do we really want the night to end?

Can’t we just froze these moments.

The smile plastered on our face.

The longing feeling to own each other.

Creating another world, another dimension.

Where only both of us there.

with fingers curling up, threading into each others’

Sitting and just breathing.

Relishing in every moment.

But eventually,

It became awkward.

The conversation.

Our smile.

Even the small talks.

We lost the reasoning.

We lost the sparks.

We lost them all.

And abruptly,

we feel like strangers.

Staring at each other for just a fleeting moment.

Like the ones we saw while riding a train.

Then we give another glace.

Smiling politely.

And moves on.

 

 

Right ring on the right finger

Finally it’s on the right finger!

Lol. I’d been wearing my engagement ring on the middle finger because someone ordered the ring with the size of his little/pinky finger, assuming that my ring finger and his little finger are pretty much the same size. D’oh. Hahahaha.

I didn’t want to change it initially.. Well, you know, for sentimental reason. (or actually I just want to remind him how stupid he is? Lol!)

But 8 months after the proposal I finally decided to resize it since it was still too big for my middle finger, and I realize it will look so much better on my ring finger.

It does! 🙂 🙂 🙂

100 years after 100 days from today

7 days ago was our 4th dating anniversary.

I never thought that I could be someone’s girlfriend for that long. I used to think that a relationship became so boring when all the initial excitements had vanished. When the butterflies were all gone and the overwhelming feeling of always missing my boyfriend had subsided. When calling him would not make my heart beats faster. When waiting for his text was not so frustrating yet exciting anymore.
When love… just didn’t feel so passionate anymore.

Yet, being your girlfriend for so long doesn’t bore me.

Last week when I’m with my mom and I’m just reading japanese manga the whole day, she asked me, “How do you spend your quality time with Taz if you keep reading manga all day long?”

I look up from my manga and thinking for a bit then said, “Well.. If I’m reading then he will be watching TV or playing games. But we do it by sitting next to each other, sometimes we’re holding hands while doing it. Other times our legs will be entwined. Or he will caress me if he’s watching TV. That way we realize each other’s presence. And that’s definitely fine and enjoyable for both of us.”

My mom frowned. She might think we are weird. Others might think so, too.

But that weirdness probably is the reason why I haven’t feel bored yet. I love being weird with you.

I can’t tell you how many people who frowned or looking at me with disbelief when I told them that our favorite TV show was everything on Nat Geo Wild. That channel is boring for a lot of people, yet we enjoy it a lot.

Funny to see how our relationship is not boring even though we like to do ‘boring’ activities like that. 😀

I guess… you’re just like my comfortable bolster. People might think our way of spending time is boring, but I hug you with familiarity, I kiss you with tons of love, and I feel like I will be lost without you. I feel at ease the most when I have you with me. I can’t sleep well without you.

Whether I’m reading, watching DVD, playing games, or doing any kind of my own things, I feel like it would be better if I know you are near me. Even though you’re busy on your own too.

That boring comfort zone, oddly, doesn’t bore me.

As I used to tell you, I don’t know for how long will I still keep loving you passionately.

But know this, even though those sparks of passionate love might fade, our boring activities will bring our hands to hold each other again.

And as we always do, we will be looking at each other with a smirk, raising our eyebrows without any exchange of words and smile lovingly while our hands hold each other tighter.

That weird us…

..is probably why I’m still with you with insatiable need to love and to be loved. 🙂

Happy 4th dating anniversary, love.

100 days from today will be our big day to start a new journey with a new status.
And from that day, let’s live 100 boring yet comfortable and loving years together.

winnie

soon to be

INSECURE BITCH

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me some questions and somehow they are related to insecurity in a relationship.

So to start this post I would like to confess something I’ve always been proudly telling my friends about:

I AM AN INSECURE BITCH.

Especially when it comes to my relationship. I always warn every guy who is wooing me that I’m not going to be so ‘fun’ or ‘lovable’ as a girlfriend. I’m very self conscious that it’s an impossible task for me to get rid of this insecurity. ( or maybe it’s not that impossible, maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe I could if only I try harder. Lol.)

Anyway by being an insecure bitch, I mean I be like:

  • Constantly checking fiance’s phone. (I’ve told him that asking me to be his girlfriend equals to giving me permission to do this. He thinks it’s not a problem, so, yeah.)
  • I dislike it when fiance gives me criticism. (But I’m so working this one out and I think I’m getting better in accepting them. I’m not that mad anymore when he tells me that I’m putting on weight, I just got mad ‘a little’. LOL.)
  • Need him to keep assuring me that he loves me, that I’m the only one for him, I’m the best for him, he feels so lucky for having me in his life, and so on. You got the idea.
  • Easily got jealous. For example when fiance’s boss (who is a female) asked his opinion, “I’m going to buy a car, what do you think of this xxx brand car? Is it good?” that would put me on alert. I would wonder if she is genuinely asking for an opinion, or is she seeking his attention? Though I rarely tell this one to fiance because most of the times I could overcome this feeling. (Yay! :D)
  • Kinda hate it when I’m don’t have anything to do on weekend and my friends are all not available to go out with me, but he’s going to have fun with his friends without me. I feel left out. It’s such an annoying feeling so I got angry. I would let him go, but I’ll make sure he’ll have a guilt-trip by venting my anger (of being left out) at him.
    (Yep, I know what you guys would probably think: What a crazy insecure bitch. And I could only scream back: I KNOW RIGHT?? But I couldn’t help it *le sigh* This one rarely happens though! Luckily! Lol.)
  • Want him to put our couple photo as his profile picture on every social networking platform. All instant messengers, facebook, path, everything. You name it. He gotta show the world that he’s taken. That he has a fabulous but so insecure fiancee. (LOLOLOLOL sorry if that makes you wanna puke over this post.) 😀
  • Have that kind of weird but sometimes overwhelming need to see him ‘tells the world’ about me. Okay I might not be able to explain this well, but I think it’s probably like… hmm.. For example I would want him to uploads his pictures with me (which he super duper rarely does) on social media. Or updating a status saying how much he loves me. Or how happy he is with me. Or anything that flatters me. (My realization that I’m being so pathetic about this even makes me sad! Now I’m not only insecure, but also desperate.) 😦
  • Dislike his ex(es). I wished he didn’t have to be friends with all of them. But in fact, I let him be friends with some of them. There are 2 particular ex(es) that I want him to stay away from though. With these two, if it’s possible, I want him to not even say ‘hi’ when they accidentally meet or bump into each other. And from these two, there’s one that I hate her to the core. So I want him to never ever had any kind of contact with her. And that stupid insecure bitch in me sometimes just have to wonder “Why did he wanted her back then? Eeww.” (AND I KNOW, I KNOW I’M BEING SO STUPID. *tears*)

And this two are the insecurity problems I have as a person (so it’s not only happened in the relationship)

  • I often worry about what people think about me.
  • Randomly but quite often, I would suddenly remember humiliating or embarrassing moments that happened to me in the past. And I would get really depressed. (I think this one causes me to feel insecure so I have to write this one in.)

Since I do realize I’m an insecure bitch, I have another ‘me’ inside me that I would call rational angel. The rational angel in me would tell me when I’m being so foolish over my insecurity. When I’m being stupid and starting to be too pathetic. So I would get back to my senses and refrain myself from doing something I would regret. Rational angel would remind me that fiance loves me a lot, and I would remember those little things he did that actually shows me how much he loves me so he didn’t need to keep telling me that. Rational angel would also remind me that I have a loyal and trustworthy fiance so I don’t have to worry. (This one works the best so far, that’s why most of the times I could overcome my jealousy.)

But of course… Rational angel doesn’t always successfully holding my insecurities back. Sometimes the insecure bitch is just so much stronger. 😀

Since fiance and I both realize the problems I have, I also told fiance how often I need to be kissed and hugged. It helps to ease my insecurities 🙂

Lucky for me, fiance has always been so understanding. He scolds me when he should, he hugs me when I need one.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even thinking about writing this post if yesterday’s conversation didn’t happen. This should be embarrassing, telling people what an insecure bitch I am. But my boss once told me that to overcome a bad side of ourselves, we have to realize it and if we could, write it down.

So I did.

There are so many levels of insecurities that people have. Some had it better, some had it worse. I’m not that worse that I would feel happy to see others’ misfortune. I’m not that worse that I would belittle others’ success.

But I think I’m worse enough to make fiance feel bad/sad every single time my insecurity got into me. I think I’m worse enough to make him feel guilty over something that he actually shouldn’t feel guilty about.

So here I am, writing this down to remind myself. That I should really learn to overcome this insecurities. That I should really learn to be better. For myself. For people that I love. For my relationship.

insecure