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Category Archives: fiction

Roller Coaster

So, I think to myself.

Now that I’m here at the amusement park I wished I went with you.

Would you see that,

Clouds above our head, like a white cotton candy swirling around.

Would you see that,

People laughing gleefully, eyes enlightened with excitement.

Would you smell the hot air of mid June,

kissing our skin together with sunbeam.

Would you,

hold my hand?

I smiled.

Imagining how you tried to clasp my hand, awkwardly.

Yet you would try to do it nonchalantly.

And I would feel your hand sweating with nervousness.

Or was that mine?

I wonder,

Would you smile at me?

The way I do every time I remember you.

Or would you laugh?

Because I would love to see you laugh.

How your face lit up with happiness,

and all problems felt like evaporated to the air.

I look up,

Clouds scattered on the azure sky.

Reminded me of my fragments of heart.

While I try to make them stay stringing on a thin thread of hope.

I look at the roller coaster ride stopping in front of me.

Hopping into the car.

And slowly, I can hear the rattling sound it makes.

Like two massive gears are grinding,

As the ride ascending slowly uphill.

Adrenaline rush surging inside my bloodstream.

I feel anxious.

Thrilled.

And I wonder,

If you were right here beside me,

Would your heart throbbing fast like crazy,

Would you feel like you were weightless,

A bubble floating up to the sky,

Evanescent?

As the ride makes a screeching sound,

and reach its highest point,

I wish I was holding your hand.

 

And as it falls,

I wonder,

If you were right here beside me,

Our fingers intertwined.

Our hearts pounding.

Would you,

fall for me?

 

 

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Another Time

Sounds of people’s steps rushing up and down the stairs.

From the speaker, a lady told us that a train would arriving soon.

I held my tote bag closer.

Train arrived and opened the door.

Inside my mind, I chanted along the sound emitting from the train speaker, asking people to be careful with their steps.

And that doors are closing.

Another morning. Another peak hour rush.

I glanced around me, searching for a familiar face.

Couldn’t find it.

I felt a pang of disappointment.

I was putting my earphone on, thinking maybe listening to my favorite songs would make me feel not so despondent, when someone running towards the door and jumped inside exactly before the door closed.

He landed with a thud!

Very close to me, palms still on his knees.

His breath heavy.

I stood still, still overcoming my own shock.

Slowly, he raised his head and stand straight.

And then, he smiled.

Like a sparkling-light-bulb smile.

A smile that left me stunned.

Time was broken at the moment.

It was dysfunctional.

It was mummified.

How come such warm smile could froze me, I didn’t really understand.

“Sorry. That must startled you.”

And he held on to the pole I was also holding on.

That was it.

The face I was looking for.

And I,

I was still standing breathlessly. Imprinting his voice. His smile. Into my mind.

It’s been a few months now, every workday morning, I would try to find him among the crowd.

I didn’t know what drew me in.

Probably his gorgeous face.

Or the way his musky perfume scent evaporated into the air and left behind a whiff.

Or the electric sparkle I felt whenever I saw him.

I felt my days are brighter when I found him on the same train with me.

And for a short 10 minutes, I was content by looking at him.

Even only a glimpse.

Even only a part of his head in flood of people inside the train.

I would recognize his hair.

His side look.

His chiseled jaw.

His eyes staring intently to his phone.

Or the way they sometimes just staring out of the window.

“That’s alright.”

I said, trying so hard not to stutter.

And he smiled again.

Heart palpitations.

I believed I was sweating visibly now.

Because I felt feverish.

Now.

Now would be a good chance for me to ask for his number.

No, not his number.

His name.

Baby steps, I reminded myself.

I didn’t have to rush.

Or should I?

What would he thought if I asked his name?

Should I introduce myself first? Would that be weird?

My heart was still beating so fast I was worried it would get overdrive and I would drop dead.

What would be his name?

Would it suit him?

Wait, I never thought about this before, but was he even single?

He might be married. Or engaged. Or in a serious relationship.

Or none of the above.

God, I would never know if I did not start asking his name.

Wait no, I should tell him my name and let him tell me his name, instead of asking him his name out of nowhere.

Or probably I should make small talks first.

Yes, that would be good.

Right?

Right.

Small talks.

Maybe about the weather.

No, that’s lame.

About the train crowd?

I looked up and tried to muster up my courage when the train speaker announced that we would soon arriving at his station.

I swallowed my words.

His eyes darted up from his phone screen to the train door.

And moved to me.

I swallowed again, literally this time.

He smiled.

A smile that light up the world.

Slowly he made his way to the door.

And so, I tell myself again,

Repeated the same words I’d told myself these past few months.

Next time.

Next time I would ask him his name.

Or even his number.

Next time.

Yeah, next time I would.

Fireflies

I glanced at my watch.

A few minutes later, there he was.

He caught my eyes and smiled, all while pushing the door open, making the heat from outside sneaked inside for a second.

He pulled out the seat in front of me.

Nervously looked around.

While I take in all I can, looking at him.

His messy hair.

His long fingers now trying to comb his hair.

His lips pulling into an upturn, more like smirking.

His twinkling eyes. Those eyes I would love to dive into.

It felt like all the chattering around us became white noise on the background.

Like a movie where camera focused on us and everyone else is just blurred.

He leaned in to me a little.

“I missed you.” and he grinned.

Gosh, I thought to myself.

I blushed.

My heart picked up a race.

I felt warm all over my body.

Shouldn’t this stage of relationship passed already? Those moments when you got all flustered up just because few words he said.

I stared at him and gave a vibrant smile.

“I know.”

When we got out of the restaurant,

It was pouring.

For a moment, we just looking up to the somber sky, spewing out streams of water.

He turned his head to look at me.

“Ready?”

I was still grasping what he meant when he hold my hand and pulled it.

We ran to the parking lot.

I was screaming and laughing.

When we got into his car, we were drenched and breathing hard.

We looked at each other, trying to catch our breaths.

And our laughter broke.

Hard, uncompromising.

We laugh so hard I cried a little.

When it faded, he gripped the steering wheel and started the ignition.

His face tensed.

My heart was beating fast. All of my body was anticipating with need.

He drove us to a desolated roadside.

It was dark outside.

Only few glints of stars.

I looked through the car window.

Lights emanating from houses beneath us, like hundreds of fireflies.

He touched my hand, and I jerked.

It was like his skin was fire that startled me when it came into contact.

We were looking into each other’s eyes.

I could see my reflection, my hair wet and sticking to my face.

My mouth partially open, my breathing hitched.

He moved first, and instantly our lips meet.

It was slow at first. Like tasting the edge of ice cream.

And realizing we could not get enough.

After few seconds, it became wild.

Savoring each other like it could melted away if we didn’t.

His hands cupped my face and slowly makes it way to other parts of my body.

I was clinging to his shoulder.

We take and give.

We shared the feelings we have, feelings so strong they could rip us open.

We were ourselves.

Being honest to each other.

And when I reached the peak, I feel like bursting out and became hundreds of fireflies.

Flying around the paradise.

With the window rolled down, we stared at the sky while spooning.

Our breath calming down, our hearts thumping in sync.

And we talked about the stars.

The sky.

Last movie we saw.

Glimpse of our childhood.

Jokes we heard from our friends.

He asked how was my life as college student going.

I told him my new friends. My assignments.

I asked how was job going on for him.

He told me about his strict-but-very-supportive boss.

We reminisce how we met on the subway, all the stolen glances.

The bashful smile.

And again we retold jokes we heard from others.

Laughing.

Caressing.

Cuddling.

And just contentedly basking in this sheer happiness.

We never talked about the future.

Like we denied its existence.

Perhaps we understood the truth.

That we would never belong to the future.

Or rather,

There’s no future belong to us.

His arms wrapped around my shoulder and I smile, feeling fulfilled.

I stroke his arms with my fingers so slowly it was like brushing with a feather.

Slowly to his hand and his fingers.

His ring finger.

And the ring on it.

With someone else’s name carved inside.

 

Tonight.

I told myself.

Just tonight.

Let him be mine.

My tears welled up in my eyes and blurred my visions.

From a distance, I could see hundreds of fireflies.

Dancing.

Without worrying the future.

IF ONLY

September 2.

I was walking on the pavement near my house that night, when suddenly I heard someone called my name. I turned my head and there he was, walking calmly towards me.

I froze. No, stay where you are. Don’t come any closer. I found myself keep repeating them but couldn’t say it out loud.

“It’s been a while.” He smiled slightly. “You alright?” He came closer and tried to touch my hand. Spontaneously, I stepped back and put a big silly grin.

He was the man that I love wholeheartedly. The one that gave me butterflies in my stomach, bunches of happiness, and silly smile every time I heard his voice. The lips that I longed to touch and kiss. The arms that held me so tightly while I drowned in overflowing joy.

He was also the one that betrayed my feelings. The one that crushed my world and shattered my dreams. The one who asked am I alright after all these heartbreaking things, as if nothing had happened. As if everything is alright.

I rubbed my arms that felt cold. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him so I looked down to the tip of my shoes, turned around and ran home.

September 8.

Suddenly I remembered that the last time I saw him was a week ago. What is this, are you missing him, you silly? I shook my head and giggled. No, remember how he hurt you? Remember that time when you found out his affairs? You thought he’s someone who loves you as who you are, someone who doesn’t mind your quirkiness yet he always take you as a fool and plays with your heart, remember that?

September 29.

Now he is sitting on the bed in my room. He looks sad. But why should I care? I am the one whose heart he had played around like a worthless toy.

He realizes my presence. He stood up.

“Hi.” He smiles. Again, the smile that once made me fall in love so hopelessly. I’m trying to stay where I am, trying to hear what he’s going to say.

Silence filled the air for a few moments.

“I thought you are going to run away, again.”

“It’s been a long time, for me. I’m getting tired of running away.” I stay where I am. Waiting for him to say anything he wants to say.

He put on a very happy and relieved smile. Like, finally, finally I want to give him a chance.

“Listen, I just want to tell you..”

“You’re sorry?” I ask bitterly.

He fall silent for a few seconds.

“…Yes. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t leave it that way before I tell you this. I took you for granted. I….” He smiles.

Again. That same smile again. How could I hate that smile? Although he looks sad while he smiles…

“I never really regret everything, before. But now I regret how I didn’t cherish you well. Ah… saying all of these craps are already too late, now, though.”

He chuckles. And I can see clearly tears run down through his cheeks when he does.

That arrogant guy who didn’t even shed a tear when his father passed away. I could just think that those tears are all lie, he was just acting miserable. But I know well enough how pride has always been in his way, so much that he couldn’t really show his affection.

He’s just… so pathetic now.

I act stern.

“So? Are you begging for my forgiveness now?”

He smiles. Just like he knew that it would melt my heart.

“No,” he firmly says. “I just want to, at least, tell you that I am, very sorry. For what I’ve did to you. So that you know. So that… you can move on.”

I think I wouldn’t be able to hold my tears, but I still do. I am okay. I look okay, at least.

But how can I deny that I miss him so much? That I would do anything just to hug him again? Anything, just to kiss him one more time? Even after the betrayal..

Suddenly he broke down into tears even more. He drops himself on the bed, sank his fingers into his black hair, and he sits there, crying just like a little boy.

His body is shaking and I can see how sorrowful he feels right now.

My tears fall down, for him, for my silly love, for our memories, for what we’d been through all these years.

While sobbing uncontrollably, he tells me how much he miss me and what would he do just to make everything right again.

How he would do anything, just to hug me, kiss me and tell me how much he loves me.

My tears are falling down like rain.

I forgive him.

Because I know I love him.

So much, that when he’s so broken, it breaks  my heart too.

Too much, that loving him is the only way I know how to love.

I smile.

I walk toward him, and when he look up at me with his messy face, I smile again.

I try to caress his face. Try to wipe off his tears.

Slowly, I whisper next to his ear,

I will never regret loving you.

His tears fall down even more now.

And I try to kiss him, a goodbye kiss.

With love. With an ease.

Now I can really move on.

 

——

She left after a kiss. Not really a kiss though, because she couldn’t even touch me.

But I can felt the cold air on my cheeks and lips, caressing it so intimately.

And my tears keep falling down.

If only I told her enough how much I love her, maybe I wouldn’t lost her.

If only I didn’t hurt her, maybe I wouldn’t lost her.

If only I chased her that other night, maybe she wouldn’t get into the car accident that took her life.

And I wouldn’t lost her forever.

If only somebody could wake her up again when September ends.

If only I can turn back time.

If only.

I threw my pride away and sobbed again.

If only.

 

 

P.S. : This story is fictional and original made by Godeliva Olivia. It has nothing to do with the animation video, but I do love this song a lot.  And the animation video, of course. xx