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IF ONLY

September 2.

I was walking on the pavement near my house that night, when suddenly I heard someone called my name. I turned my head and there he was, walking calmly towards me.

I froze. No, stay where you are. Don’t come any closer. I found myself keep repeating them but couldn’t say it out loud.

“It’s been a while.” He smiled slightly. “You alright?” He came closer and tried to touch my hand. Spontaneously, I stepped back and put a big silly grin.

He was the man that I love wholeheartedly. The one that gave me butterflies in my stomach, bunches of happiness, and silly smile every time I heard his voice. The lips that I longed to touch and kiss. The arms that held me so tightly while I drowned in overflowing joy.

He was also the one that betrayed my feelings. The one that crushed my world and shattered my dreams. The one who asked am I alright after all these heartbreaking things, as if nothing had happened. As if everything is alright.

I rubbed my arms that felt cold. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him so I looked down to the tip of my shoes, turned around and ran home.

September 8.

Suddenly I remembered that the last time I saw him was a week ago. What is this, are you missing him, you silly? I shook my head and giggled. No, remember how he hurt you? Remember that time when you found out his affairs? You thought he’s someone who loves you as who you are, someone who doesn’t mind your quirkiness yet he always take you as a fool and plays with your heart, remember that?

September 29.

Now he is sitting on the bed in my room. He looks sad. But why should I care? I am the one whose heart he had played around like a worthless toy.

He realizes my presence. He stood up.

“Hi.” He smiles. Again, the smile that once made me fall in love so hopelessly. I’m trying to stay where I am, trying to hear what he’s going to say.

Silence filled the air for a few moments.

“I thought you are going to run away, again.”

“It’s been a long time, for me. I’m getting tired of running away.” I stay where I am. Waiting for him to say anything he wants to say.

He put on a very happy and relieved smile. Like, finally, finally I want to give him a chance.

“Listen, I just want to tell you..”

“You’re sorry?” I ask bitterly.

He fall silent for a few seconds.

“…Yes. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t leave it that way before I tell you this. I took you for granted. I….” He smiles.

Again. That same smile again. How could I hate that smile? Although he looks sad while he smiles…

“I never really regret everything, before. But now I regret how I didn’t cherish you well. Ah… saying all of these craps are already too late, now, though.”

He chuckles. And I can see clearly tears run down through his cheeks when he does.

That arrogant guy who didn’t even shed a tear when his father passed away. I could just think that those tears are all lie, he was just acting miserable. But I know well enough how pride has always been in his way, so much that he couldn’t really show his affection.

He’s just… so pathetic now.

I act stern.

“So? Are you begging for my forgiveness now?”

He smiles. Just like he knew that it would melt my heart.

“No,” he firmly says. “I just want to, at least, tell you that I am, very sorry. For what I’ve did to you. So that you know. So that… you can move on.”

I think I wouldn’t be able to hold my tears, but I still do. I am okay. I look okay, at least.

But how can I deny that I miss him so much? That I would do anything just to hug him again? Anything, just to kiss him one more time? Even after the betrayal..

Suddenly he broke down into tears even more. He drops himself on the bed, sank his fingers into his black hair, and he sits there, crying just like a little boy.

His body is shaking and I can see how sorrowful he feels right now.

My tears fall down, for him, for my silly love, for our memories, for what we’d been through all these years.

While sobbing uncontrollably, he tells me how much he miss me and what would he do just to make everything right again.

How he would do anything, just to hug me, kiss me and tell me how much he loves me.

My tears are falling down like rain.

I forgive him.

Because I know I love him.

So much, that when he’s so broken, it breaks  my heart too.

Too much, that loving him is the only way I know how to love.

I smile.

I walk toward him, and when he look up at me with his messy face, I smile again.

I try to caress his face. Try to wipe off his tears.

Slowly, I whisper next to his ear,

I will never regret loving you.

His tears fall down even more now.

And I try to kiss him, a goodbye kiss.

With love. With an ease.

Now I can really move on.

 

——

She left after a kiss. Not really a kiss though, because she couldn’t even touch me.

But I can felt the cold air on my cheeks and lips, caressing it so intimately.

And my tears keep falling down.

If only I told her enough how much I love her, maybe I wouldn’t lost her.

If only I didn’t hurt her, maybe I wouldn’t lost her.

If only I chased her that other night, maybe she wouldn’t get into the car accident that took her life.

And I wouldn’t lost her forever.

If only somebody could wake her up again when September ends.

If only I can turn back time.

If only.

I threw my pride away and sobbed again.

If only.

 

 

P.S. : This story is fictional and original made by Godeliva Olivia. It has nothing to do with the animation video, but I do love this song a lot.  And the animation video, of course. xx

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About Godeliva Olivia

loves reading, sweet iced tea, and good laugh.

2 responses »

  1. Hai Olivia. Ceritanya bagusss banget. :’)

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  2. Reblogged this on Koko Taz & Cece Olip and commented:
    Sebuah cerpen bikinan gue, hampir 4 tahun yang lalu. Enjoy 🙂

    Like

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