It’s the last day of October 2012 already.
Just a few days more and I’m going to officially be 23 years old. Geez, time does fly fast. But since the beginning of this year, I’d always tell people that I’m 23 because I was born in 1989. So when I finally have my birthday, it feels like “Well yes I’ve been 23 since 10 months ago.” haha.
Last year, a friend asked me what my dream is and I decided that my 2012 resolution would be to find my dream. Have I found my dream? Have I found something I want to pursue?
… I don’t think so.
Maybe I was thinking too highly about what a dream supposed to be. Last year, I made targets (I don’t call them as dreams) for myself, that I’m gonna move to a new company. That I’m gonna have enough salary to pay my brother’s college fees. That I’m gonna learn new language. That I’m going to enter a dance tuition class. That I’m going to be more healthy and exercise more.
Only a few of them are fulfilled though. lol.
I rarely had time to practice my mandarin and english. So both of them still suck. I hate to admit it, but actually they get worse. I’m too lazy to have a morning jog and prefer to sleep more. I can’t find a proper dance class near my house. But of course, they are all my stupid excuses.
I think my dream should be something big and something I would achieve eventually.
Yet, I can’t think what it is.
I want to go to Korea, I said. Just like every girl who got influenced by Korean drama/ K-Pop fever. I want to visit France, I said. I think it would be a great honeymoon place. Hahaha. Sometimes I feel like I want to work overseas, to be surrounded by strangers and have to start learning new things all over again. I want to learn dutch or german, I thought. But after I find out the tuition fees, I know I have to postpone that idea.
So many things I wanna do, so many places I wanna go. But I do nothing to fulfill those wishes.
I was like, hoping that someone would help me to fulfill them. Forgot that it should be me, after all. I should be the one trying as hard as I can to fulfill my own wishes.
When I was 14 years old (until I was around 19), I said I want to get married once I get 22 years old. Now, 3 days to my 23rd birthday, I can firmly say I’m not ready yet to be someone’s wife. Although, seeing my friends getting married one by one kinda tempting me to get married soon, too. (Gosh, I’m so wishy washy. Hehe)
I’m just so confused about everything. Maybe this is what they call a quarter life crisis? Suddenly I don’t know where I should head to, where I should go. I know I have to take the first step of everything but I don’t know where I should put my feet to. Which direction I should take.
I only find myself with a lot of wishes, but no guts to make them come true. I keep on repeating to myself that I just haven’t find the chances to, so it’s not like I didn’t do anything. But I didn’t, indeed.
Geez. I even come to a realization that I’m THAT IRRITATING to myself.
Guess I have to do it slowly, step by step. I’m going to start it by having more conversations in English and Mandarin. Not a big thing, but if I can’t do the small ones, then I won’t be able to fulfill the big one either.
I’m gonna close this with an amen. Amen.